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I'm Justin. Here you'll find info on my stand-up career and production company, as well as various awesome bits, both old and new. Thanks for visiting. Check back often for new hilarious funness. If the rest of your day seems lame after this, I apologize. |
6/22/09: New video added to Audio 6/21/09: Stand-up dates added to Bio |
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SUNDAY, JUNE 21, 2009
La ducha en la biblioteca
Today was a lazy Sunday, and I decided to venture over to the Barnes & Noble to buy some books I really do not need, probably will not read, and definitely cannot afford. I was browsing through some magazines when my phone rang. It was a friend of mine who I hadn't spoken to in awhile, so I took the call. I was having a pleasant, humorous conversation when I began to hear this odd "schwoosing" sound. I was confused until I glanced behind me and saw a 30-something dude sitting in a chair shoosing me. I really wasn't sure how to handle this. I looked around to make sure he wasn't targeting someone else, like maybe an obnoxious kid, but no, it was clearly me who was being reprimanded. I struggled to decide what pissed me off the most. Was it:
a) The fact that he was only about 4 years older than me,
b) that he was wearing one of those hipster-douche "man scarves" in late June, or
c) that he thought he was in his local library, and not a f**king 3-story, public retail bookstore named Barnes & Noble?
It was C. Does this look like a library, asshole? Does a library serve cookies and Starbucks coffee? Does a library have an escalator? Does a library sell Penthouse? (They probably should, though.) So then why are you treating this like a motherf**king library? Why do you and all these other assholes have nothing better to do than to sit in here all day, reading the same damn book, sometimes taking notes for class, all while milking the same cup of latte? You wouldn't pull this crap in any other business. You wouldn't go into a Best Buy, buy some batteries, then park your ass in front of the TV display and flip through the channels all day. You wouldn't stroll into a strip club and be like, "Hey, I don't have any money, but would you mind if I sat here all day and just looked around? I might bring some money in the future, but for now I'm just browsing. Also, where's a good place to setup my laptop? And just cream in my coffee, thanks." Dick.
Sorry, I'm ranting. Let me wrap this up. Rather than get in a fist-fight, I decided to take the more mature path. I walked over to the kids' section and grabbed My First Spoken Words: Animals!, a talking baby book. I then made myself at home in the chair beside the nice gentlemen and proceeded to educate myself on what sounds different animals make. I made sure to let anyone in the immediate area know how excited and surprised I was to learn that a donkey goes "Hee-Haw!" (I did that page about 5 times) I guess he didn't like cats, because after it said "Me-ow!" he walked away in disgust. I smiled and was feeling very proud of myself until an attractive blonde girl walked by just as I was turning to the next animal.
The cow went "Moo," and a guy in a bookstore who won't be getting laid for awhile went "Sigh."
JH
Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:48 PM | Visit the message board
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3, 2009
Career Change
No more comedy. I’m done. The perks just aren’t there. However, I’m not retiring from the entertainment biz, merely making a slight career change: I want to be a 1980's action movie star.
I made this decision around 3:30 am last Sunday while I was watching Predator on HBO. I could try to explain the movie for people who haven’t seen it, but there are no words in the English language that can do it justice. It is, quite simply, the best action movie of the 1980s. Compared to this movie, Fast & Furious is about as badass as Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit. To help illustrate how I came to my conclusion, I've made-up two helpful pie graphs comparing the perks of each career.
EIGHTIES ACTION STAR
STAND-UP COMIC
I am now in the process of transforming myself into an 80’s action star. Today I did the first-half of a push-up, and I’m trying to find a karate instructor who can teach me how to take out a roomful of thugs with common objects. I’ve posted a “Thugs Wanted” ad on Craigslist, but I think I need to rephrase that, because I keep receiving e-mails of naked guys in leather jackets.
In the meantime, I'm looking forward to Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables, a revival of 80's action bliss. This freakin' thing is going to star Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, and Steve Austin, just to name a few. Check out the video below of Stallone directing. I love how he scares his production team sh*tless.
That's it for now. I'm gonna go listen to some Little River Band.
JH
Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:54 PM | Visit the message board
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