Justin Hagerman: Comedian, Writer, Lover

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SUNDAY, ARPIL 2, 2006

I have to get up at 5:45

Today I finished shooting the rest of my Howard Stern film short, and should be wrapping up editing by Wednesday. Don't know about open mic this week, depends on how editing goes (I've never used this program before). At the very least, I will finish up with the Bliss production diaries, and will have a rough Jake and Kate page up. Speaking of that flick, shooting will be finished late April, so we're looking for a late June release date. Just thought you'd like to know.

This month's book for Justin's Book Club is Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. Very funny, I think you'll enjoy it. This Vonnegut guy is really struggling, but he's a fresh young writer, and we have to help him out. I think he's going places.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 09:51 PM | Comment on the message board

MONDAY, ARPIL 10, 2006

Insomniac

Almost done editing the short for the Howard Stern film festival-wish me luck. For now, visit justinhagerman.com and deaddogview.com; they'll keep you busy for awhile :)

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:50 PM | Comment on the message board

TUESDAY, ARPIL 18, 2006

Tired of not sleeping

Things like this keep me up at night.

At work, I have to write 3-6 sentence summaries of commercials. The program's built-in FCC doesn't allow potentially offensive words or phrases like "cock" or "tea bag," to be entered, though if "tea" and "bag" are separated by another word, or a symbol, it would get through. For example, "Johnny tea^bagged Susie in the men's room," would be acceptable. The cyber nanny is very fickle, and even words like "squirt" may be subject to scrutiny. This makes writing even the simplest summaries difficult, so when I'm done with a summary for a typical jewelry store commercial, it may look like this:

The rising sun is reflected in the ~~morning dew~~ on the lawn. A man arises, kissing his wife on the ~~head~~. She ~~rolls over~~ and smiles, still wearing the ~~pearl necklace~~ he gave her as an anniversary gift the night before. On screen text: "Couples love Jake's Jewelers."

She then blows^him until breakfast.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 09:30 PM | Comment on the message board

THURSDAY, ARPIL 20, 2006

Being #1 Not Fun

I've never claimed that I'm a very intelligent man. I'm not too good at math, and in fact never was able to comprehend one single thing taught to me in Chemistry. But I've come to realize that I am probably smarter than about 82% of Americans. Now, you'd think I would be happy about this, but in fact it is taking a horrible toll on my life. Stupid people are killing me slowly.

I got home late last night because some asshole on a motorcycle decided to crash into a soccer mom SUV and they tied up traffic for awhile. Hopefully someone died, because I was really tired today. I was pissed enough when I found out it was a motorcycle related accident, because I've always hated the fact that it's legal to drive a bike on a highway with 3,500 lb. cars going 70 mph. Amazing, isn't it?

But this isn't what made me realize I hate stupid people, surprisingly. NO, it was the fact that my side of the highway was shut down, when the motherf**king accident was on the other side of the road! And I was at the front of this traffic jam, and right in front of me was an overweight, retired, volunteer fire-police man. In case you don't know what a fire-police man is, it's someone who is neither a fireman or a police man. He was actually too stupid to be a police officer. His job is to park in front of people's cars and stop them from moving. But, the way this guy carried himself, you would've thought he had rescued 10 floors of people from the WTC.


9/11 firemen erect a flag at Ground Zero.	Meanwhile, in West Chester, a Fire Police Man keeps terrorists at bay.

So myself and a few other inquisitive people got out of our cars, and the leader of our group asked this guy some obvious questions. It went something like this:

Man: Why aren't we moving?

Fire PoliceMan: Because there was an accident.

Man: But it's on the other side of the highway.

Fire PoliceMan: I know that sir.

Man: But...why can't we go? This doesn't make any sense.

Fire PoliceMan: My supervisor will be here any minute, and he'll clear things up. Please get back in your cars.

Thankfully, his supervisor did show up. An hour and 1/2 later.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:46 PM | Comment on the message board

MONDAY, ARPIL 24, 2006

"Don't get cocky kid!"

I read today that authorities thwarted another Columbine inspired school shooting. One of the kids got cocky the night before and bragged about it on his MySpace page. What a dick. The rest of the team had been planning for this since the beginning of the school year; they had a detailed plan, they spent tons of money on supplies, they wrote and re-wrote their hit list, and this ass blew their cover because he thought bragging about a school shooting would get some 14 year-old flat chested, pimply chick to cyber with him. Kids these days.

And before a cousin of a grocery store clerk who once packed a bag for a Columbine victim sends me a nasty e-mail, I was just being facetious; I don't support murder. I'm just miffed these kids can't think of their own fads. Shooting up your classmates is so 1999. Get with the times! Speaking of 1999, I finally added the Classics page. But before you ruin your panties, I've only been able to add one bit. The rest will be coming soon, but I'm updating graphics and other stuff, and it's taking a bit longer than I anticipated. As always, check back frequently.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:49 PM | Comment on the message board

TUESDAY, ARPIL 25, 2006

The Crazy Adventures of Me

Today I worked some overtime. On the way home I stopped to buy another $23 mouth guard, because I realized too late that I had bought the wrong size last weekend, and they won't let you return them if you've already pre-fitted them to your teeth. Then, I ran over a nail. My tire hissed. My car limped to the auto shop, and the man told me I had nail in my front tire, too. He was able to plug both holes with a minimum of cost and effort, and that got me wondering; why can't they plug people with holes in them? Same concept, but I suppose people are more complicated than tires. I just don't see why you can't plug a gaping head wound with some leather, as they did my tire.

I also finished Kurt Vonnegut's "Breakfast of Champions." It was very good. Tomorrow I start "The Invisible Man" by H.G. Wells. I've also heard that Britney Spears is pregnant again. The condom goes on your penis, Federline. Get that silly thing off your ear.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 09:53 PM | Comment on the message board

FRIDAY, ARPIL 28, 2006

Weekend Plans

I've posted a short film on the Dead Dog View page. This film was my entry into the Howard Stern Film Festival, and though it did not win, I'm still proud of it. 90% of it was shot in a day with absolutely no money.

This weekend Mike, Greg, Jen, Jim, and myself will be traveling to my parents' place in Fenwick Island, DE to shoot the final parts of "Jake and Kate." Wish us luck, we only have one shot at this. Speaking of shots, we'll be partying at Seacrets in Ocean City, MD Saturday night. You should come on down. It will be a good time.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 06:05 PM | Comment on the message board