Home
Poetry
Comics
Life of a Rock
Ask Justin
Audio
Classics
About Justin
Dead Dog View
Message Board
Links
Contact 

Dear Justin,

I'm a young woman of 22 who has a pretty good life. I have a great family, friends, etc., but I've struggled my entire life with obesity. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to leave my house. Whenever I walk down the street I can swear I hear people snickering. I'm thinking of getting surgery but I just don't know what to do. Diet & exercise hasn't worked and I'm really scared for my health. I'd really appreciate any advice you could give me. Thank you.

-Konfused Kathy


Dear Fatass,

You're right, people are snickering at you. Most likely guys. The "More cushion'..." thing is just a myth. I'm not a doctor but I feel comfortable giving direct medical advice. The worst thing you can do is to exercise, as this fools your body into believing that anything it consumes will be worked off later. The solution: EAT MORE. Double, even triple your daily caloric intake. Your body will be so overwhelmed that it will have to work twice as hard to digest everything. Your body will actually burn off calories trying to digest food! Seems logical, right?

I've prepared a sample diet for your convenience:

Breakfast:

• 9 hash browns (over pizza)
• A dozen eggs (over pizza)
• Pizza (over pizza)

Lunch:

• A gallon of milk
• A KFC Family Meal (with cake)
• A small goat

Dinner:

• One red grape

Feel the burn!!

Dear Justin,

I really like this guy at school but I'm afraid to ask him out because I don't know if he feels the same. What should I do?

-Doubtful

Doubtful,

Well, speaking from a guy's point of view, I'll have to say forget him. If he hasn't asked you out already, then obviously you're not attractive enough for him. My advice to you on future relationships: aim low.

-Justin

Dear Justin,

I recently broke up with my girlfriend, and I just don't know how to deal with it. I feel as if I want to kill myself; there's no reason to go on. Any advice?

-Lonely and confused

Lonely,

Listen to your heart. If it tells you to kill yourself, go right ahead. If you don't, twenty years from now you'll look back and ask yourself, 'What if I had killed myself?' Best of luck!

-Justin

Dear Justin,

I've been happily married to my wonderful husband of 18 years now, and have had no marital problems up to this point. But a few weeks ago I was at a friend's party and there was a cute guy there. We started drinking, one thing led to another and....My husband has no idea what happened, but I feel extremely guilty. Should I tell him?

-Sleepless in Chicago

Dear Sleepless,

Let me get this straight: you slept with someone you really liked and your spouse has no idea? HOW LUCKY CAN YOU BE?! Why the hell would you want to tell your husband that? Are you retarded? Think of him as a back-up lay. Screw around all you want, but keep him around as a cash machine. You're a very special woman. If you're not doing anything this weekend, why don't you give me a call...

-Justin

Mr. Justin,

I got laid off a few days ago, and it doesn't look like I'll be back anytime soon. I have a wife and three wonderful children, and I haven't told them the news yet. My youngest, Billy, needs braces, and I promised my wife we'd go out for a nice romantic dinner for our anniversary, but I can't even pay the mortgage! And to top things off, I've been diagnosed with a horrible disease and have no health insurance. Please help.

-Worried

Dear Worried,

You're f**ked!

-Justin

Dear Justin,

My parents and I are always arguing. I want to do this, they want me to do that. And just yesterday I asked if I could get my tongue pierced. They said NO. You would barely be able to see it! What should I do?

-Angry Teen

Dear Angry,

This question hits especially close to home for me. When I was six my parents wouldn't let me go to a friend's birthday party. So, after going over all my options, I decided to skip town.

I spent the next twelve years on the road, always scrounging for food, never knowing if the rat I ate the night before was responsible for my sharp stomach pains. Eventually a wordly hobo took me in, showing me the in's and out's, the do's and don'ts of street life. He also introduced me to the world of substances. PCP, crack; I did it all. I soon abandoned all hope, until a kind reverend brought me into his home, giving me food and a family to love. After the reverend passed away (I killed him), I joined a circus freak show, fulfilling his life-long dream. And here I am today.

I hope I answered your question.

-Justin

Dear Mr. Justin,

My grandpa died last week and I have been having guilty feelings over his death but i know I had nothing to do with it. my mom says its ok to feel this way but i dont know. Please help me.

-Jacob

Jacob,

How could you possibly think such a thing? Of course it's your fault your grandfather is dead. Why would you have guilty feelings unless you had something to do with it? If two guys are in a car and they hit a dog, does the passenger feel guilty? NO, because he knows he had nothing to do with it. You're the driver in this case, my friend. I feel strongly that you were somehow responsible for your poor grandfather's death. Is this how you get your kicks?

You sick bastard. I pity your soul and the hell that awaits it in the next world.

-Justin

Dear Justin,

You've got to help me! I've got a loaded gun in my hand and the voices are telling me to kill! HELP!!


Dear Psycho,

"Duhh, I'm a stupid psycho crazy person with no life. I make threats and don't follow through with them." Ass.

If you have a question for Justin, just send an e-mail!

Contents © 1998-2008 Justin Hagerman

HEY!

Check out the short films in the Dead Dog View section!

Get a free Comedy Page e-mail address