TUESDAY, AUGUST 1, 2006

Miss me?

Sorry, I didn't post too much in July. Actually, I didn't post a friggin' thing. Been working mad overtime to pay the bills. I've added two pages to the "Classics" section and I plan to add more this week. After that I'll finally tackle the "Links" page and then probably throw up a "Jake and Kate" info page.

But now I'm off to work. Maybe I'll type more in this blog when I get back tonight, I dunno. Peace.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 02:56 PM | Comment on the message board

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SATURDAY, AUGUST 5, 2006

You Know You're Jealous

Disclaimer: I am drunk

Heeey, what's up? Hey, thanks for stopping by. Let me take you through the series of events that was my thrilling, action-packed Friday evening:

5:00-Began drinking vodka and coke.

6:00-" "

7:00-" "

7:30-Rummaged through my porn box and "entertained myself."

7:35-Took a quick nap.

10:00-Awoke and proceeded to watch "Good Night and Good Luck."

12:00-WaWa hotdog run

Here are some pictures to help you visualize my night:

Thrilling, huh? My day was semi-productive, however, as I started transferring old family VHS films to the more durable DVD format. For the Disney World trip tape, I surfed the internet to locate the exact names of the rides for the chapter titles (I'm a thorough muthaf**ker) and I discovered that the kick-ass ride that was "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" ceased to be in 1994. WTF??? That ride actually made looking at a giant aquarium interesting, and they scratched it for some Lilo & Stitch crap? I was outraged and discovered a web site dedicated to the memory of the ride, located here. It is a little sad, actually. I wish I had that much free time.

Anyway, Hank sent me a link you may enjoy, unless you were born after 1983, then you'll have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on. Peace, bitches.

JH

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TUESDAY, AUGUST 8, 2006

Blast from the past

I found an old page that used to be on my site years ago. It was very juvenile and obscene, and it would really be tasteless to post it on my site now. So I'll put it here!

Ok, here is a sample of the page that was "Rejected Porn Movie Titles."

Riding Ms. Daisy

Savoring Ryan's Privates

Eating Gilbert's Grapes

Stop or my Mom will Strip!

Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Bi

Cheek and Shlong

I Still Know What You Did With the Plumber

A Gay's Hard Night

Sister Caught in the Act

BoyzNTheirWood

The Truth About Cats and Dogs and Me

and my favorite...

Big Trouble in Little Vagina

Classy :)

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 02:59 PM | Comment on the message board

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MONDAY, AUGUST 14, 2006

World Trade Center: A Tragedy In And Of Itself

I saw "World Trade Center" with Hank on Saturday, and boy was it sad! I cried throughout the whole thing. The woman beside me was pretty upset, too. In fact, the entire theater was distraught. Through our tears, all we kept saying to ourselves was, "Why the f**k did I pay money for this?"

Oliver Stone needs to be deported to hell, because he is guilty of stealing on a grand scale-$19 million this past weekend. Why was this movie so horrible, you ask? Let me describe a scene for you:

Two men are crushed under rubble, unable to move.

Man 1: "Better stay awake!"

Man 2: "Hey, you better stay awake, pal!"

Dialogue repeats for 1/2 hour, then cuts to worried families, and then back again. Cycle repeats for two hours. Sprinkled in are images of Jesus holding a water bottle (no joke).

Am I a horrible person for almost walking out of a 9/11 movie because I was bored? Probably. Of course I think these two policemen are heroes, I just think Stone could've picked a better story to tell, maybe firemen rescuing people, or coworkers summoning up the courage to descend down the stairs to safety, etc. Though this reviewer was crazy hungover, and maybe still drunk when he saw this movie, he can't help but wonder, "What tragedy will Mr. Stone ruin next?" Maybe a Terry Schiavo biopic, but told through her eyes? We can only hope.

JH

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FRIDAY, AUGUST 18, 2006

Yay Vicodin, Boo Child Killers

I had four wisdom teeth removed this morning. Despite all the hype around this procedure, it was relatively fast and easy and I'm barely in pain. Of course, that could be because of the Vicodin they prescribed me. This stuff rocks, I can see why people get addicted to it. I may have to go back and have some more teeth yanked just to get another bottle. The best thing about the surgery? I can close my mouth now-the 5 mm gap between my teeth is now a little more than 1 mm. Studies have shown that women are attracted to men who can close their mouth.

Attention News Media: Calm your ass down. This JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect is full of it. Next time, before you go apesh*t, check to see if his story doesn't have HUGE GAPING HOLES. The Boulder Police Department may want to heed this advice as well.

Gotta go; I just got a paper cut and I may need some Vicodin to tackle this massive pain. Pray for me.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:16 PM | Comment on the message board

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WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2006

Sweet Dreams

As I write this I am getting ready to crash. Insomnia is fun until you actually get tired, and then you get really, really tired. I thought I'd use this space to brainstorm my ideal dream for tonight. Hopefully it'll go something like this...

BOOOOOOMMMMM!!!	Wow, can't believe everyone's dead but me! Good thing I was on this awesome island. Wait, what's that sound?	Another survivor, thank God! Don't worry, I know how to cook, build shelter, treat wounds, start a fire, and build a TV out of sand.	Sweet! I can recite 17 episodes of The A-Team from memory.
...	What's all this ruckus? I'm trying to explore my body.	Wow, TV's Gillian Anderson! I have such a lesbian crush on you. If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were in your twenties.	I am! The nuclear blast changed the cellular structure of my body so I am no longer 38 years old. I am just as I was in The X-Files.
Keen! Let's lick each other.	#*%@!	Hey, friendly neighborhood Spider-Man here! I believe I am your boyhood hero, and I'm also gay, so my manhood poses no threat to your dominance over these female celebrities. I exist merely to swing around and entertain you. I can also get sweet, sweet fruit that is up high in trees.	Nuclear holocausts rock for me!

"I have a dream..."

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:04 PM | Comment on the message board

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SUNDAY, AUGUST 27, 2006

Open Letter To the A**hole Who Ripped Me Off

Dear A**hole,

Thank you for hijacking my debit/credit card information online and ripping me off $400. I really didn't need that money; it was going towards rent and food, two things I really don't like. I'd rather spend my money on cell phones and video games, and I see that you like to as well. I trust that you will take your new gear and donate it to the nearest orphanage. Orphans like cell phones as they can use them to order pizza, a fine alternative to mush, as the namesake of the movie Oliver Twist did in that film.

In conclusion, I bear you no ill will. Though I have been praying that you develop an incurable cancer in your eyes, I wouldn't be too worried; Karl Rove, Craig Ferguson, and Nickelback have yet to show any symptoms.

Your bestest pal,

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 02:43 PM | Comment on the message board

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WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30, 2006

Where The Hell Was My Summer?

I can't believe summer is almost over. I mean, wow. I didn't do too many summer-y things because I spent most of my time sitting at a cubicle inside a windowless room with the thermostat set to 45. I should have just kept flunking the 3rd grade so I'd always have my summers off. It would be awkward at times having friends 16 years younger than me, and it would be weird/illegal to hook up with the ladies, but still, I'd have my summers back.

Jake & Kate is basically edited, so now we are in the tweaking and scoring phase. I'd guess a finish date of mid-late October, but you know better than to trust Dead Dog View release dates (Bliss was 18 months late =).

My birthday is coming up in September and I'd like everyone to pitch in and buy me one of these. Seriously. I would've killed for one of these in college.

FYI, Google "Failure" and see what the first thing that comes up is. Thanks to some guy at work for this info.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 01:03 PM | Comment on the message board