Justin Hagerman: Comedian, Writer, Lover

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SUNDAY, AUGUST 10, 2008

A True Test of Athleticism

Today I sat down to watch the Olympics for the first time in years. Actually, now that I think about it, this may be the first time I've ever watched them, period. See, when you've been raised reading Superman comics where a man flies faster than a speeding bullet, seeing someone do a backflip off a diving board isn't too impressive. Yes, I know I'm jaded and yes, I know Superman isn't real. But Batman is, and he could do a backflip off a diving board while nailing a ninja with a batarang. So I'm still not impressed.

I decided to give the Olympics a glance in the off-chance that I would catch a gymnast slipping off a balance beam, a look of agony on their face as years of practice were trumped by foot sweat. Imagine my surprise when I found myself in awe of the athletic prowess and dedication I was witnessing. Not of the competitors on TV, but in my own ability to sit through seemingly endless commercials. How can anyone sit through the Olympics for more than 20 minutes? For every 30 minutes of ads you sit through, you literally get about 5 minutes of programming. I think that's worse than the Superbowl ad-to-game ratio.

I think a real Olympic event should be watching the Olympics. The event would consist of a competitor from each nation, on a couch, watching live coverage of the Olympics. Each athlete would be supplied with a handgun, and the last person to shoot themselves would win the gold. Could you imagine the commentary? Male Announcer "It appears Russia will be the first to fall during our competition here today. They appeared confident for the first hour, but their visage conveyed indescribable anguish as they were bombarded with their twelfth Chevy Tahoe ad. A real shame; this young athlete showed great promise."

I would watch that.

Official Logo of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Watching Event

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:38 PM | Visit the message board