Justin Hagerman: Comedian, Writer, Lover

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FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2006

Hope on the horizon

I won't lie. The past year or two have been really, really bleak for me. "Bliss" is stranded in production hell, I'm totally broke, and pretty much everyone has written me off as incapable of making a living in entertainment. Sad days indeed.

But 2006 is kickin' ass!!! I churned out a damn fine script last year in "Jake and Kate" (I really dropped the ball with "Bliss"), and we start shooting February 11. And this time around, I'm a lot more organized in the legality department. If a fly buzzes across the camera, its ass is going to sign a release. I've done about eight open mic performances which keep going better and better (I posted a clip of my latest performance on the Audio page), and I relaunced this web site after not having laid a hand on it since June 2004. Howard Stern's move to satellite radio is already having profound effects on the media landscape, all for the positive. And articles such as this remind me that the comedy torch is indeed being passed to a new generation, so if you bust your ass, there's work to be had.

I'm uh, still broke, but I won't let a little thing like student loans, no savings and lack of health insurance rain on my parade! No sir! Call me Mr. F**king Sunshine! So, my loyal readers, go out and "seize the day!"

And please, if you have any cans of food lying around, help a brother out.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 12:45 AM | Comment on the message board

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2006

Busy and boring

Do you know what's sad? Being really, really busy, and still having nothing interesting to talk about. Maybe if I make some shit up, people will start visiting this site more? I'm in a visit drought right now. I was thinking of doing a whole plethora of cartoons about Mohammed, since Middle Easterners seem to love them so much. I bet that'd score me some crazy hits. Just think of all the wacky adventures he could go on!

[HILARIOUS FUNNY COMIC DELETED]

You really need to go to the Dead Dog View page and download Greg's game, if you haven't done so already. He worked quite hard on it, and all he asks for is some feedback. I may go to Helium tomorrow, and if they let me on I'll post some audio clips Thursday. This weekend I should have all the pages up and next week I'll start adding to the Life of a Rock page. I have some really crazy ideas...

Night kids.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:12 PM | Comment on the message board

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2006

Kids are nothing to be proud of

On the way home from work today I passed an SUV with a bumper sticker that read "My kids think I'm an ATM" and beside that was a "Proud parent of a Chester Elementary Honor Roll Student." Now, I'd had a really bad sleep-deprivation caused migraine all day, so I wasn't in the most chipper of moods to begin with, and reading these caused the pain in my temples to spike to a level I can only describe as "not fun."

Many thoughts were racing through my mind: Who would think the "ATM" sticker was funny? Maybe that joke would kill at open mic night at the Soccer Mom Comedy Cafe, but it doesn't cut the mustard on the highway when you're riding next to such gems as "No fat chicks-I just bought new tires!" and "Your mom didn't really want you-she was just out of coat hangers!" (I just wrote that second one. Nice, eh?) And who brags about an Honor Roll student in elementary school? Did they not shit their pants longer than the other kids? They pretty much hand out A's in elementary school. Which brings me to my next point...

I want people to understand something: Children are nothing to be proud of. I realize they are a tremendous amount of work and great time and money is invested in their well being, but I don't give a shit. You should never, ever be proud of something that all your neighbors have as well. This doesn't apply to just child pride; people with nice lawns, a well-decorated house and a nice car shouldn't feel any sense of pride either. Pride should only come from something that very few people ever accomplish. If you've climbed Mt. Everest, boast all you want. If you're a quadriplegic CEO of a successful treadmill company, be proud. But if you have two kids who do really well in school and have lots of sports-earned trophies, hang your head in shame. You are a disgusting excuse for a human being. Not only are you a failure, but you have now passed your loser seeds on to a new generation who will no doubt soil the rest of the world's gene pool with your sorry ass DNA.

A bunch of total failures

I was going to go to Helium tonight, but I didn't feel like blowing three hours of my time and $10 for city parking only to be rejected because I'm a newby. However, I will be at the Comedy Cabaret tomorrow night, so you better come out. It'll really kick ass. Sit back, get plowed and laugh at all the funny comics. Also fun is laughing at comics who aren't funny but who think they are. That's the best.

Bye for now.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 07:03 PM | Comment on the message board

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2006

I still love you

I'm sorry, no updates today. I'm busy doing online training for a new job and prepping for our big shoot Saturday. I'm praying it doesn't get snowed out. Of course it has been 80 degrees out every day since Christmas, but this weekend we're due for an assload of snow. Go figure.

Saturday night, or Sunday at the latest, I'll post some more Audio stuff, including my horrid performance at the Cabaret last night. I ate total shit, and with jokes that killed last week. However, my new joke did really well, so that's a plus. Think I have a solid 7 minutes now (which is decent).

Ohh yeah. I'm giving away 50 free e-mail addresses to the next 50 people who join the message board and post something meaningful. If you want one, of course.

You could have any name you want @thecomedypage.com. It could be justinsucksbigshlong@thecomedypage.com. Unless someone beats you to it! It's a great e-mail system, and you can check your mail on the web or by using a POP program like Outlook. It's totally private, don't worry. I have no way to check other people's e-mail. Very reliable, no complaints, I've been using this system for years. After you sign-up on the message board (which is free and takes 2 minutes), post something interesting and drop me an e-mail, then I'll hook you up. Simple as that! Sweet, eh?

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:10 PM | Comment on the message board

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2006

Rocky road ahead

Well today was the first day of shooting for "Jake and Kate." We wouldn't let a little thing like a blizzard delay the start of our crappy movie, though it did cut shooting short. The first day wasn't as disastrous as "Bliss"'s first day (as in the camera breaks, actors don't know their lines, etc.), but it still didn't go as smoothly as Mike and I had hoped. It took us longer than expected to prep the set, and we started shooting an hour and 1/2 later than scheduled. We had to pick up some more tapes at Best Buy, and we needed to buy a prop birthday cake at Giant, which was f**king packed because people think they'll be snowed in for six months. God, I hate people.

Jen and Adam were real troopers, though I think they're still adjusting to movie acting. With stage acting you don't have all the delays between lines for equipment set-up and it can really be frustrating, though I'm confident they'll adjust fine by next Saturday's shoot. The lighting and picture quality are already much better than anything we've done before, though the sound could be a problem. Mike's apartment (where most of the movie is being shot) is home to lots of loud foreigners. What is it with Mexican immigrants that they must always be fighting and have a crying baby and horrid music blasting at all hours of the day? We were left to make the best of things because no one knew how to say "Shut your motherf**king holes!" in Espanol. But despite all these setbacks, I still believe this will be our best work yet. Though, that isn't saying much...

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:54 PM | Comment on the message board

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2006

Deep thoughts

On the way home from work today, I got to thinking "What ever happened to the Pink Ranger, Amy Jo Johnson? She was pretty hot." I heard she had got into porn, but I wasn't sure.

So I stopped by amyjojohnson.com. She's a singer now. Also, she's older than I thought. I was thinking late 20's, but she's in her mid 30's. She also has some artwork on the site. And surprisingly enough there's a huge fan site, amyjo.com. It has tons of stuff on it. I'm amazed her career justifies such a devotion. Well, have a good night everyone.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 9:41 PM | Comment on the message board

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2006

Shameless plugging

Not much new on the page, my bad. I'd like to update the Audio, Links and Classic sections so the page is fully "updated" so that I can start adding new material. I just started working another job, so time is tight, but I promise stuff will be added soon. The first new updates will be in the Life of a Rock section, and I have big plans for that guy. Also new will be an official "Jake and Kate" movie page.

Wednesday night I will be at the Comedy Cabaret in NE Philly, so please come out and support all us non-paid working comics. I plan to do five minutes of new material. That may not sound like a big deal, but it's ballsy for anyone to go onstage and do a set of entirely new jokes.

You better drop by my MySpace page. I am in desperate need of friends (I'd like to remain a loser in real life only).

Oh, and to everyone who hasn't posted on the message board yet-you are on my list.

Bad things happen to people on the list:

What remains of the Janko family home in Missouri.

Perhaps you'd like to reconsider not posting something?

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:21 PM | Comment on the message board

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2006

Alien Romance Novel

I don't have much to say today, so I'm posting a short bit I wrote in August 2004. I had completely forgotten about it until I stumbled across it by accident today. It's a spoof on those crappy romance novels that are basically porno for chicks. Hope you enjoy.

The following is an excerpt from Chapter 9 of "The Love Eaters"

Shanak leaned against the wall, trying to compose herself. Everything had happened so fast. Her hearts pounded inside her chest, causing her to ooze from the mouth.
“Your mouth froth…is refreshing,” Nonon remarked, as he lit the fire with a flick of his tongue.

She chuckled. When was the last time her life completion partner had done that for her?

Still, as cruel as Rakaaaaaabil had been to her, she couldn’t help feeling bad about staying with Nonon. Why, if anyone ever found out, she’d never be able to live with herself. Especially after the Council dismembered her.

Nonon sensed her anguish, and made his way over to her. He always made her feel nervous, but it was a good nervous. She felt young again, and his touch brought back memories of forbidden love, and smoking knosh behind her father’s back. She closed her eyes and felt her body tingle as he brushed her cheek with his sharp claw. Goosebumps peppered her skin as she let out a moan, and probably some more froth.

“Don’t be nervous, my sweet Shanak, there is nothing to be afraid of,” Nonon assured her. “Your partner is far away, harvesting puppies on Xeor. We are all alone.”

With this she lost all control, and she pushed him back onto the bed. They exchanged smiles as his love rod filled to capacity. She slipped out of her nightwear and lowered herself down on him. The moonlight cloaked his body in a brilliant red glow, and his muscular tentacles gleamed in the night.

She had never spawned like this before. She felt his love rod thrust repeatedly inside of her poontonk, while his tentacles fondled her seven holes, and even toyed with the taboo eighth hole. The bed rocked back and forth with their bodies, and she screamed Nonon’s nickname, “Bob,” each time he pounded her.

Finally, she felt him shudder as his love rod released his spawn juice inside of her. She let out a sad sigh. Despite momentous research efforts, scientists still were unable to locate the female climax region.

“Good thing I was wearing a fluid retaining device,” he smirked.

“You were so great,” she said. She then threw up on him, as was tradition. She tickled his tummy, and then rested her head on his balls. Just as she felt herself falling into a deep, relaxing sleep, she heard something outside.

“What is that?” she whispered. But before he could respond, the futuristic, shiny door burst open.

It was Rakaaaaaabil.

“So, the rumors are true!” he exclaimed. He glanced at Nonon. “And you, how could you? My own mother!”

Shanak was shocked. “Your…mother?”

PLEASE PURCHASE THE FULL NOVEL AT FUTURISTICALIENGIRLPORN.COM!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Renoxikela Blaben was born on the 5 of Jar, 1424595. He started his career by writing futuristic tales of fair-skinned creatures who walked on two legs and who had hairy reproduction areas. These tales proved too extreme for audiences, and he moved into erotic fiction. He currently resides on Gnak with his wife and 8.5 children.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:35 PM | Comment on the message board

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2006

Total dick

Well I tanked again at open mic last night; that's two performances in a row. The only joke which did well was the only one that paid off before, so that's definitely a keeper. I should be posting clips tomorrow. The night wasn't all bad though. Fellow open-micer Sal Geraci bought my broke ass a cheesesteak and fries at Chicke's and Pete's, and it was good eatin'. Thanks man.

But what really made me chipper today was getting pulled over by a sneaky, low-life traffic cop in an unmarked car. He claimed I ran a red light, but that shit was yellow. He also berated me for going 30 in a 15 zone. I'm such a speed demon.

The paint peels off my car as I put the pedal to the metal.

$104 ticket. That's like, 4 grand for me. I could argue it in court, but who would the judge believe? God, I hate traffic cops. The ticket says that I "disregarded a red light." I like the wording-"Disregarded." That makes me sound bad ass, like I saw the red light but was like, "F*ck that. The law doesn't apply to me," and I sped on through without any concern for the innocent pedestrians. But that's why chicks dig me, cause I'm a rebel.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:57 PM | Comment on the message board

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2006

Dark red vision

I was about to post my open mic performance from the other night, then I accidentally deleted it during the USB connection between the recorder and my PC. Poof! Gone. Four hours of driving, a week of prep and several dry heaves for nothing.

What I'd look like right now if I were Asian. And driving.

Thank God for booze. Hopefully the shoot tomorrow will go well and it will quell my @#%*$!! rage.

I'm going to go strangle a bunny. Peace.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:03 PM | Comment on the message board