Justin Hagerman: Comedian, Writer, Lover

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FRIDAY, JANUARY 20, 2006

HOLY f'ng shit! The first site update in a year and 1/2!!

That's all for now. More in a year.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:48 PM | Comment on the message board

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21, 2006

Giving in

Ok, so this is my first real "blog" posting. However, that is the absolute last time you will hear me say that word. I will henceforth refer to it as the "b" word. Nothing against all the "working-mothers-raising-three-crazy-kids-while-pursuing-a-graphic-design-degree" who love this shit, I've just never been a big fan.

However...

Seems like a decent way to communicate with people who might actually be interested in my life and career, or lack thereof. I promise to post diligently, and I will never write about boring shit like my laundry or an encounter with a Kelly Clarkson lookalike at Jiffy Lube.

But please, if you ever see me at Starbucks banging on the keys of my laptop will sipping a cinnamon dolce latte, shit on my face.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 09:26 PM | Comment on the message board

SUNDAY, JANUARY 22, 2006

Dude, WTF?

So where have I been since June 2004, when I last updated this site? I wish I could say I was stranded on an exotic island where I was helplessly seduced by its voluptuous inhabitants who depended on me for procreation because the men were killed by a Cyclops. But I can't. I've just been really, really busy. I graduated from Kutztown University in August 2004, did an eight month "temp" stint at AAA, and have been working odd jobs since.

We finished Bliss (finally!), but it's in legal limbo as I didn't secure releases for lots of people/things. Hopefully that'll get straightened out before my fortieth birthday. I wrote another script, Jake and Kate, which we start shooting soon. Rehearsals have gone great, and I really think it'll kick ass. Look in the Dead Dog View section for updates on both films.

Actually, that page isn't up yet. Neither is any other besides the poetry page. I've redesigned the entire site, so I need to redo every page, and it's taking awhile (if you have a hard-on to see the whole pages you can still access them here). I'm working hard to get everything up a.s.a.p. This site will be awesome when I'm done, seriously. I've been doing open mic at some comedy clubs in Philadelphia for the past few months and I'll post some audio clips of that (Exciting!!). That's really all that's been new in my life. I promise to do more exciting things in the near future.

Or, I'll just lie and make shit up.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 09:42 PM | Comment on the message board

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25, 2006

Patience

Ok, I was going to post an audio clip of my open mic performance from tonight at the Helium comedy club in Philadelphia, but a bunch of us new guys got bumped from the list because so many regulars showed up. After an hour car trip up there, $10 for parking and $6 for drinks (that's like a couple grand for me) I was a little miffed. But, you have to pay your dues, right?

I will update Thursday, I promise. Not sure what page yet, but I'll do something. For the time being, please stop by the message board! It just launched a few days ago, and I really think it has awesome potential. I'd love to hear from other faux-comedians, or even the real deal, or if you just want to talk about The Bachelor or something, that's cool.

Oh, you should also get Sirius satellite radio. It's a blast.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 01:38 AM | Comment on the message board

THURSDAY, JANUARY 26, 2006

BLLEEHHhhhh

I can't stop throwing up. WTF. But that's what I get for eating lunch and dinner at fast-food restaurants the entire week. I haven't put on any weight, but that's because I can't stop puking. OHHHHHHHH not again. brb.

Back. Anyways, I posted some cartoons. I was going put up more, but the regurgitation thing nipped that in the bud. I'll post the rest this weekend, and maybe some more stuff...

Gotta go puke. Keep it real.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:19 PM | Comment on the message board

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28, 2006

The Flu-A Viral Pansy

I'd forgotten how rough the flu can be, as it's been about eight years since I've had it. Simply put: The Flu is a dick. Though it only lasts a few days, it causes horrible misery, and really cramps your social life. And it's totally pointless. I mean, what does this virus hope to accomplish? AIDS kills people. It has an agenda. Once you're infected, it will never leave you until it has done its job.

Not the Flu. This pussy wimps out after a few days. Ok, if you're 80 years old it could be fatal, but so what? That's nothing for a virus to brag about. I wonder what AIDS and his homey Ebola think of the Flu? They probably kicked his ass in high school. The only thing the Flu deserves props for is longevity. I'm pretty sure he has been around as long as man. But he's still a punk.

To prove my point, Monday at work, tell a co-worker that you have AIDS. Wait a moment, gauge their reaction, then say you were mistaken, you have the Flu. I bet they won't be as concerned. They'll just be miffed that you've been dipping your hands in the donut box all morning.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 07:10 PM | Comment on the message board

SUNDAY, JANUARY 29, 2006

Colin Farrell's "Sex Tape" Review

Nicole Narain (left) and Colin Farrell (far right) star in the controversial tape

Colin Farrel's "Sex Tape" comes at a time when our society has developed a blase attitude toward celebrity sex video endouvers, unlike times past where a raunchy video could land you in real trouble (i.e. Rob Lowe). Known for his leading roles in Hollywood blockbusters such as "Minority Report," Colin Farrell has been in something of a career slump lately. 2004's fall slouch "Alexander" proved an embarrassing failure for both Farrel and veteran filmmaker Stone, and neither star has yet to fully recover. Mr. Farrell has been reduced to taking sporadic roles on network sitcoms and starring in the historical yawn "The New World."

It is no surprise he chose now to release "Sex Tape." Made in 2003 during downtime while shooting "Daredevil," this film has stirred up loads of media attention, which has to be just what he intended. Low-budget and hardcore, this film attempts to follow on the blazing heels of the "Paris Hilton Sex Tape" which blasted Ms. Hilton out of billionaire-heiress obscurity into Fox reality show stardom. Unfortunately for Mr. Farrell, this film is no Paris Hilton Sex Tape.

Unlike the Paris Hilton tape (which was directed by and starred Richard Salomon, husband of Shannon Dougherty), Colin's sex tape lacks any preparation, any passion and any decent camera angles. Though the S.W.A.T. night vision effect used by Salomon really freaked me out (their eyes glowed like raccoon's), at least I could make out what was going on. But after the initial two minute P.O.V. oral sex shot, Colin abandons any attempt to make this thing watchable. At times I thought it was being filmed by a Blair Witch cameraman with epilepsy with Helen Keller as D.P.

And what a shame, too. This movie also stars gorgeous Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain, and Farrell does her no justice with this film (nor does he in bed). Most disturbing is when he makes her take the camera, and we the audience are forced to see what it looks like to be orally pleasured by the Neo-Nazi haircut Farrell, a disturbing sight indeed. Farrell only adds to the freakiness when he looks up and declares, "Holy f**k, my f**king breakfast lunch and dinner right here, I'm not even f**king joking." Yum! Dinner, anyone?

Admittedly, this is Colin's first sex tape. In the film he comments about being an avid porn enthusiast, but for some reason he chose not to tap this storehouse of knowledge for his own video. Also, I am more ripped than Colin Farrell. This dude looks like an Auschwitz survivor who did 10 push-ups minutes before the tape started rolling. I'm also better hung. In the now-classic "Tommy and Pamela Lee" video, I didn't mind occasionally seeing Tommy's penis. I'm not gay, but it was a sight to behold, something to tell the grandkids about. Colin's wang is something you may spot by accident in a Bally's shower that makes you feel a little bit better about your manhood.

In his defense, while having awkward/painful "sit-on-my-lap-with-your-back-facing-me" sex, Colin does admit, "This is some of the shabbiest f**king photography in the history of f**king porn, but you know what? I could give a f**k."

Still, we wish he had.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 04:55 PM | Comment on the message board

MONDAY, JANUARY 30, 2006

Feeling old

The older I get, the faster time feels like it's passing. I don't mean to sound like that freaky old woman who sat next to you on the bus stop that one time, prattling away to herself, but it's true. I'm 24, but I feel 15. I'm not popping Viagra yet, but still. Guess I'm just having a quarter-life crisis.

Anyway! I added the Ask Justin page and was plowing along on audio files for the Audio section when I realized how late it had become. So, that's not up. But probably tomorrow. I also created a thrilling (kidding) MySpace page so I can feel like an even bigger tool. Also tomorrow will be the long awaited release of a video game by Greg Davis, better known as Crusader on the message board. I've played the beta version, and it's pretty swell.

That's all for now. Time for this crotchety old man to call it a night.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:27 PM | Comment on the message board

TUESDAY, JANUARY 31, 2006

Gratitude

I'm too tired to update anything today. However, Greg just finished his awesome game "Gratitude" which I posted on the Dead Dog View Page. It's a classic tale of love, betrayal and ice. Just unzip the file and you're ready to rock. He'd love some feedback, so leave him some on the message board (his board name is "Crusader").

I'll be doing open mic tomorrow night at the Comedy Cabaret in NE Philly, if you're in the area and really f**king bored. Ok, night.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 09:54 PM | Comment on the message board