Justin Hagerman: Comedian, Writer, Lover

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TUESDAY, JULY 1, 2008

Perchance to Dream

I read today that Bill Gates has retired. Reporters seem to be focusing on all that Mr. Gates has contributed to computing/modern technology, and while that’s very interesting, no one seems to be discussing what history’s richest man will be doing in retirement.

Bill seems to have limitless possibilities on how to enjoy his downtime, but since he’s been so busy he probably hasn’t given it much thought. To help him brainstorm some ideas, I’ve scratched out an itinerary of what I would do on my first day of retirement as the world’s richest man:

Noon: R2-D2 alarm clock (complete with Kenny Baker) wakes you up with a cheerful Paul McCartney tune, written personally for you. R2 informs you that your stocks made another $100 million overnight, all without you lifting a finger. You’re outraged by this-You’re supposed to be retired, and that means no working, even if it was done for you by someone else while you were sleeping. You inform Kenny that his services are no longer needed.

Morning exercise: Bike ride with Lance Armstrong. It’s one of those two-seater bikes, except you're not doing any peddling. Mr. Armstong doesn’t mind, because you’ve promised that a new cloned testicle awaits him at the finish line. This is a lie.

2 pm-Dallas cheerleading squad sponge bath

3 pm-Lunch prepared by Emeril. It’s just some EZ Mac, but you wanted it heated-up by Emeril. You pretend to care as he laments about missing his daughter’s wedding.

4 pm-Your assistant informs you that he’s begun acquiring items on your list of “Things It Would Be Fun To Put Up On eBay.” The Shroud of Turin is already fetching a pretty nice lump of dough, with Ted Turner as the current high bidder.

7 pm-Conference call with Korean scientists. Your Lassie clone is coming along nicely. Unfortunately, Timmy #7 isn’t fairing so well. The arm growing out of its mouth couldn’t be removed, so it was euthanized. They’re optimistic about Timmy #8, however. You tell them they better be, because what the hell use is a Lassie clone without Timmy? What are they, crazy?

8 pm-Downtime with some video games. You play the classic “Super Mario Brothers” game. Not the Nintendo version, mind you; you’ve hired Broadway actors to dress as plumbers, and you control them using a special remote. You fully realize what an awesome idea this was as they begin to jump on dwarves dressed as mushrooms.

9 pm-Update: Timmy #8 went berserk and ransacked the lab, killing nine scientists and maiming countless others. Arghh! You just can’t find good help these days.

10 pm-Bedtime. Morgan Freeman reads you a bedtime story written for you by a chimp implanted with Shakespeare’s brain. The stories have been pretty good so far, but you’re growing tired of plots being resolved by the throwing of fecal matter.

I hope you’ve found this useful, Mr. Gates. If you require further assistance, you may commission me as a “Billionaire Retirement Spending Time Specialist.” E-mail me for resume.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:44 PM | Visit the message board

TUESDAY, JULY 8, 2008

I Worked Hard For The Money ("Hard" meaning "Not at all.")

I finally received my rebate check, and it’s about damn time. It still feels weird getting money for doing nothing. I mean, at least hobos weather the elements and beg for it, or think up some elaborate Vietnam backstory (despite being only 35 years old) to get some pity change.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have a little extra spending $$$, but you have to admit the whole plan is flawed; the US government borrowed the money from Chinese banks, then gave it to American citizens to spend, giving the economy a collective reach-around. However, this is the Wal-Mart era, so most of the goods people will be buying will have been manufactured in China, and this is one of the main reasons we’re in this whole mess to begin with. The funny thing is, our children will have to pay back the debt from these rebate checks, meaning they won’t have extra money to spend, meaning Chinese goods will sit on the shelf, meaning China will cut us more checks so we can buy more Chinese shit, meaning our descendants’ chances of finding a non-service job will be even further diminished, meaning…we’re screwed, right? Nope! Yes, Uncle Sam keeps racking up more and more national debt, BUT, if he’s putting all this debt on a credit card, we’re going to have tons of frequent flyer miles coming our way. We can then use these to fly to other countries, like China, which will have plenty of jobs. See, everything works itself out in the end! (Five bucks to anyone who can figure out how many frequent flyer miles $10 trillion on an American Express card will get you)

"I Want You!...To pay this back."

You think I’m some anti-American liberal now, right? Well buddy, not only did I spend my rebate check (instead of saving it, which defeats the purpose), but I spent it on an American-made mattress, and on the 4th of July to boot! So suck it, Commie. I'll leave you with a video that is a shining example of capitalism at work, and an entertaining example at that: Paul Anka singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

P.S. Speaking of YouTube, if you haven't done so already check out my Gotham performance here. Feel free to forward it to your friends and co-workers, so I can compete with Bo Burnham and other YouTube stars/annoying a**holes.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:29 PM | Visit the message board

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 2008

Metal Detector Nightmare

Today I read a CNN article about current developments in the tech world. Evidently, by the time I’m in my 50’s, a considerable amount of microscopic robots, called "nanobots," will be flowing through my blood stream.

Say what?

Apparently these little buggers have the potential to cure cancer, fix damaged organs, and most importantly, give you a boner that lasts for weeks on end. While this is very exciting news, the fact is the consumer technology market always lags years behind the military’s progress. Chances are, there are already half-man/half-machine soldiers walking among us. Below is a secret video of one such abomination I found on a conspiracy website. Sadly, the subject they chose to experiment on was mentally retarded. Poor bastard.

I loved that show. Remember Dr. Claw? He was badass. His face was never revealed on the series, but an official action figure released years later solved the mystery. I think it's kind of disappointing...

Personally, I always thought Dr. Claw would look something like this:

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 8:29 PM | Visit the message board

SUNDAY, JULY 27, 2008

Let it all hang out

I was watching an odd National Geographic show last night on public nudity. The crew spent time with various modern nudists group, including a nudist Church group, who argued that this was how God intended us to live. I disagree; even Adam had the sense to cover his junk with a leaf around Eve. (Though, it’s always depicted as a small figleaf. I would’ve raided a palm tree for some bragging leaves). During the entire show, all I kept thinking was, “Why are nudists always ugly?” Seriously, they’re always either A) Old, B) Morbidly Obese, C) Dudes, or D) All of the above. I don’t recall any nudist sororities in college.

I think once a year we should have a Public Nudity Day. Every American living in temperate climates should be legally forbidden from wearing clothes for one day. Sounds crazy, right? Well consider these points:

Everyone would lose weight. The collective ass of America would shrink by 20% leading up to this day. You don’t want Chrissy-The-Hot-20-Something-Accountant at the office to see you with a beer gut, do you?
The crime rate would drop for that day. No criminal is going to pull anything if he’s naked; no one would take them seriously. Would you give a nude robber your wallet? I’d point to his manhood and laugh.
Social anxiety disorders would be completely cured. After you’ve been naked in front of all of your peers, what’s there to be scared about? And what a great day to give a speech! The audience actually would be naked.
And finally, the law would allow only homeless people to wear clothes. Why? First off, it’s not like they have a closet to hang their clothes in for the day, but more importantly, it would really cheer them up. They’re so used to having everyone looking down on them, but for one day of the year, they’ll be the ones laughing. No worries though, everything will be back to normal the next day, so feel free to kick their asses and steal their clothes.

Quick notes: I will be sitting in on the John DeBella show Wednesday morning on 102.9 WMGK. Not sure yet when I'll be on; it'll be sometime around 8:20 am. I'll have more details tomorrow. In the meantime, check out these swell pictures of me on their website.

UPDATE: I will be on Wednesday morning at 7:40 am.

Also, please, please, PLEASE come see me perform at Helium on Friday, August 8th at 8 pm. I'll be doing a set for their Philly's Phunniest Contest, and the audience gets to vote. (So the more people I have there, the better my chances. Get it?) You can receive two tickets for the price of one! Reservations are required in order to validate the discount. Simply call the club and mention my name when making the reservation. Visit www.heliumcomedy.com for more info.

I think that's it. You're dismissed

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:35 PM | Visit the message board

TUESDAY, JULY 27, 2008

Sting Doesn't Need Any Help

I just got back from seeing the Police perform at the Wachovia Center in Philly, and damn, those guys still got it. I think the last time they played in the area I was one year old, and my lame mom thought a baby wouldn't appreciate seeing the Police. Thank God for exploitive reunion tours!

Their performance was top notch, but Sting does a little too much of that "audience participation" crap. You know, when the singer gestures for the crowd to sing a verse. I didn't pay $100 to hear a drunk Jersey soccer mom scream, "RoOXXxxaaANNE!!" into my ear.

Below is a video of the Police, minus the soccer mom.

Wow, videos sure sucked in the 80's!

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:22 PM | Visit the message board