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TUESDAY, JUNE 03, 2008

Hard Time

Unemployment Log, Day 48

Can’t believe it’s been 48 days already. Though I spend a great deal of time searching for jobs, there is only so much work available within a 30 mile radius. I think employers are beginning to get suspicious of similar resumes coming in under “Juan,” “Jose,” or “Justine” Hagerman.

I am beginning to regret moving into this studio apartment, as the small quarters and long periods of isolation give one the feeling of doing time in a jail cell. Some days I rattle a metal cup on my windowsill, whistling blues songs from the 30's. Yesterday I asked the mailman to bring me a shiv. He gave me a weird look, so I slipped him a pack of cigarettes in a rolled-up newspaper. I thought we were on the same page, but all he delivered today were some comic books (Y: The Last Man is paper heroin). My cat seems like a trusting cell mate, though I watch my back in the showers.

Taking a break from Careerbuilder

Quick note, I'll be out on bail tomorrow night to do some stand-up at the brand-new comedy club at the Ramada Inn in Levittown, PA. Go here for details if you wanna stop by.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 09:58 PM | Visit the message board

THURSDAY, JUNE 05, 2008

Important Announcement

It seems like you can’t turn on the TV nowadays without being overwhelmed by political news, tickers, blogs, polls, statistics, commentators, Wolf Blitzer, pundits, Wolf Blitzer, predictions, or Wolf Blitzer. I used to be really into this stuff, too. Man, I could tell you who you were voting for before you even knew who you were voting for. Well, chalk it up to my current situation, but I just don’t give a sh*t anymore. Maybe I’m just in my jaded mid-20’s, who knows. Frankly, I’m not sure we should trust anyone who wants to be President right now. What a clusterf**k they have to deal with! They’ll feel like a pledge cleaning up a frat house the morning after a huge blowout party. Despite my disdain for the current political climate, however, I’d like to take this opportunity to formally announce my candidacy for the 2036 Presidential election.

“Hold on,” you’re probably thinking, “you’re not qualified to be President, you silly-billy!” Well guess what, a-hole, I am. (That right there was called self-censorship, which is key on the campaign trail. By abbreviating a**hole, I avoided offending any voters).

I know it seems like a long way off, but 2036 is right around the corner. While other candidates may procrastinate running for President until 2035, I’m a man of action, not words. Well, unless words are needed to describe my actions.

Following is a quick overview of my 2036 Presidential platform:

• Give everyone a million dollars
• Repeal the hovercraft tax bill of 2028
• Build a global fence to keep out illegal extraterrestrial aliens
• Legalize gay clone marriage
• Deport all elderly people to a car-less island
• Create a new cabinet post, “Secretary of Awesome,” and appoint Led Zeppelin
• Neuter people who still wear their hats backwards

Click below to hear my official campaign song.

I chose this song because I will always “Hold the line,” no matter how rough things get. Also, because Toto kicks ass. I haven’t bothered to see if the lyrics match up with my platform, but who gives a sh*t.

Vice President-Seth Green (it’d be an easy transition for people)

Secretary of Defense-Bruce Lee

Secretary of the Interior-Martha Stewart (Get it?)

Secretary of Agriculture-Broccoli

Department of Transportation-The Flash

Secretary of the Treasury-Mr. T

This campaign is in its early stages, but check back for “Hags 2036” t-shirts, buttons, and thongs. I’m currently accepting donations, so by all means, send me your life savings. If you don’t, it means you’re not a patriot and you hate America. Your choice, comrade…

Sidenotes: I have a geek boner after seeing the new X-Files movie trailer. It might be my all-time favorite show. Also, if you're in the West Chester area this weekend, drop me a line. I need to hit the town again. I mean, look at all these bars. Also, I found this video really funny. I know that's sick, but something about it makes me chuckle.

I'm going to hell...

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:15 PM | Visit the message board

SATURDAY, JUNE 07, 2008

The Big Day

No pun intended here, but I think going to the bathroom is a pain in the ass. It sucks. It’s always inconvenient, and the disgustingness of public bathrooms nowadays is beyond comprehension.

Know what I wish? I wish you only had to go to the bathroom once a month. That’s it. Your body somehow stows it all away, then once a month, Bam! and you’re done for a whole month. Of course, that day would be pretty grueling.

You’d have to call out of work for that day. You'd wake up humming some song, “Do-do-do..oh no!” You call into work, “Yeah, sorry, won’t be in today. No, I know, I know-LOOK, today’s the day. Yeah, the day. Alright, see you tomorrow.” Call all your friends, cancel your plans for the evening. You just grab three books and a pitcher of Gatorade and head to the bathroom, which you’ll have destroyed later. Yeah, that’d be sweet.

But…What if you’re not prepared for the day? What if the day comes when you’re stuck on an amusement park ride? Like at the top of a Ferris wheel? That would be a bad first date.

Johnny's f**ked.

So, I take back that idea. Things are fine the way they are. I apologize if you were eating.

Enjoy your Kung Pao.

1:48 AM update: Ok, that was a little odd for a topic. It actually spawned from a funny conversation we had at work, when I was still at work. It's probably one of those things where you had to be there. I promise something more conventional in the next post. Maybe a lame movie review or something.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 09:15 PM | Visit the message board

TUESDAY, JUNE 10, 2008

Man Up, Baby!

Yesterday I received something a little odd in the mail. Somehow I got put on a list to receive some samples of Enfamil, along with coupons for similar products to help me “Raise my new bundle of joy.” I’ve been thinking really, really hard why anyone would think that I was pregnant, but I keep coming up short. I mean, wouldn't a package addressed to “Mr. Justin Hagerman” raise a red flag in their mailing department? I suppose one of my neighbors could’ve signed me up; I have been eating too many cheeseburger hotdogs lately, and my unemployment status could be mistaken for maternity leave. So I’ll keep the bloody Enfamil. Hey, with today’s high food prices, it’s beginning to look pretty appetizing.

Speaking of babies, today I saw an internet ad for a baby cradle, a Zen baby cradle. This was funny because I recently helped my mom clean out her attic, and we threw away my 1982 wood n’ nails cradle. Seriously, I’m amazed I didn’t maim myself on this thing. I don’t know what sort of sick bastards were running the baby industry back then, but one thing was certain-they hated babies.

Zen cradle (Starbucks Menu Mobile sold separately)

My cradle. Oh, the memories!

But you know what? That cradle taught me survival instincts, man. There’s a reason American kids today are fat, dumb, and helpless. Moms are wimping down their kids from day one with Zen baby cribs and other new age yuppie baby bullshit. While you were playing soothing prenatal music for your fetus, Indian and Chinese women were rocking their wombs with “Crime and Punishment” on tape. American parents need to stop babying their babies. This Fisher-Price Zen collection thing should be the first thing to go. Just check out their website (watch the video). Those babies need to be blasted with Metallica, not wind chimes.

I propose a new rite of passage for babies. At eight months old, set your baby loose in the wilderness. Supply them with nothing but dehydrated meals, a compass, and a whip, and see how they fare. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll wind up standing a chance against their Asian counterparts.

Good luck Billy!

Oh, while searching for pictures I stumbled across an ENTIRE web site dedicated to this couple’s baby. Why do people think their children are special? They aren’t, unless they can fly. Otherwise, please don’t bother the rest of us with your boring child. Check back with us in 30 years, and we’ll judge for ourselves just how special that kid turned out to be.

The worst part about that site? It’s updated more than mine.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:50 PM | Visit the message board

THURSDAY, JUNE 12, 2008

Grim Future

Today I was at a restaurant and I overheard some people my age talking about financial planning. I started to get a little worried, because I have made absolutely no plans for my future. I always figured my kids would become rich basketball stars, but since I'm five foot seven and have no kids, this seems unlikely. These guys kept going on and on about their 401ks, stock options, etc.

If someone asked me about my investments, I'd be like "Well, my portfolio of comics is growing at a healthy rate. I have a lot of Superman, because you know that's always a reliable pick, same with Batman. But it's also wise to diversify, so I pick up an Aquaman or two now and again. My action figures have been losing a lot of money lately, what with the cost of plastic rising, but I fully expect my Simpsons shot glass collection to come through strong in the end. All-in-all, I got a nice nest egg in the $70-80 range to carry me through my golden years."

Yeah, I'm f**ked.

JH

Sidenote: If you can come to my June 23rd show at Gotham Comedy Club, please let me know ASAP. I need to bring 10 people and I currently have 6. It's at 7 pm and our carpool caravan will leave at 3, so if you want in drop me a line. I know it's a Monday evening, but I promise we won't be back too late. I will donate a kidney for everyone who attends!

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:15 PM | Visit the message board

MONDAY, JUNE 16, 2008

"I Hope I Die Before I Get (Really, Really) Old"

There’s been a plethora of articles in the news lately about the advancements in human longevity research. Some scientists are predicting that within our lifetimes, people with the money and the means may live to see their 140th birthday. That’s a lot of %#@! candles.

Most people see this as a good thing, but I do not. Know that crappy job you’re at now? You’d be there an additional 40 years. Know that crappy marriage you’re in now? You’d have to put up with that person for an extra 40 years. That’s a lot of Viagra, bub.

Don’t be too glum. There would be some perks to extended lifespans:

• Your old clothes would come back into style within your lifetime
• You could hang out in pre-school until your teens
• You could finally finish that novel (If you wrote only a page a year, you’d still finish it before you croaked)
• You could have carefree sex as STD treatments will have reached Jetsons level
• Those savings bonds would actually become valuable within your lifetime
• Even if your children and grandchildren were complete failures, your great-great-great-grandchildren might have a shot.

And best of all…
Even if the prom queen didn’t put out at your 10th high school reunion, it’s a good bet she won't care what you look like by your 122nd reunion.

Food for thought.

JH

Sidenote: Remember how miffed I was when I wasn't able to see Led Zeppelin, and how the pain was slightly relieved when I went to that Foo Fighters show? Well the wound has been cut wide open. At a recent Foo Fighters show in England, Led Zeppelin (sans Robert Plant) showed up to do some songs. View the video below for a cell phone capture of the magical moment. Please note the two really, really annoying 12-year-old boys who were lucky enough to be there. Know what I was doing when I was 12? Scrounging the neighborhood for a newsstand sleazy enough to sell Playboy to a 12-year-old. Yeah...

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:45 PM | Visit the message board

TUESDAY, JUNE 24, 2008

A Comedy Legend Passes (Don't worry, it wasn't me!)

So, George Carlin is dead. Carlos Mencia, however, is still going strong. Definitely questioning my faith right now.

People always argue about who the greatest comedian of all-time is, but I don't see how you can argue against George Carlin being the greatest comedy writer of all-time. His acts were tight, man. And what really pisses me off is that he was so prolific. Carlin had done 16 HBO specials, while most comics, including Seinfeld, have only done two. I've been at this about two years now and I barely have 15 minutes of material. Carlin could crap that out in an hour. I don't know if I should be inspired or disparaged...Oh, and how about the lame press coverage of this? Tim Russert dies and news anchors everywhere are wearing sackcloths and offering goat sacrifices to mourn his passing, but Carlin dies and it's a quick sidebar in the morning news before cutting away to a segment about how much cats sleep everyday? Bullsh*t, man.

Below is a video I found of his last HBO special. It was a great set, though he did look like the Grim Reaper was waiting for him outside.

I performed at Gotham last night, and not to sound cocky, but I tore sh*t up, yo. Thanks to all the people who came out. Most of them were family members; Sean was my only friend to bother coming up, which was a little disappointing. Some of my friends had legit alibis, but most gave me half-assed excuses (or none at all). Losing my NYC comedy cherry was a pretty big deal, and everyone had a lot of fun. Oh well. I'm pretty bad at holding grudges, but don't expect me to give a sh*t years down the road when your kids are peddling fundraising pizzas for their sorry-ass soccer team.

To end on a humorous slant, I'm going to post some funny YouTube crap I've found. I realize this is cheating and that I should bother thinking up something witty to write, but then I realized I could be playing Metal Gear Solid 4. Game wins.

Really funny fake trailer for a romantic Terminator movie. The voiceover is pretty weak, but the rest was well done. The "Call her again" part was genius.

Funny video of some Ewoks battling a Predator. Unless you're a nerd like me, you probably won't find this that funny.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 09:50 PM | Visit the message board

SATURDAY, JUNE 28, 2008

Outsourcing Myself & Not-So-Hot For Teacher

Still bitter about my job being outsourced, I was intrigued when I stumbled across this interesting CNN video. Give it a look. I never imagined the day when people would be outsourcing their personal errands. Evidently it’s not that expensive, so I’m thinking about looking into it.

Wouldn’t it be funny if I hired them to look for jobs for me? I think it’s a great idea. After all, they were pretty good at finding mine.

Me: So, found any good jobs for me yet?
Indian Assistant: Yes, and I’ve already taken the liberty of claiming it for myself.
Me: Fantastic. Keep up the good work, Hareesh.

Yeah, maybe it’s not such a sweet idea.

I find it hilarious that wealthy Americans are outsourcing their errands. I mean, the standard of living in India is still much lower than ours. I don’t know how some New York stock trader could have the balls to ask someone making a hundredth of his salary to schedule a Brazilian bikini wax for his wife.

I found another funny CNN story here. Apparently the new craze sweeping the nation is female teachers blowing students. This is really beginning to aggravate me. I don’t recall any teacher ever hitting on me. What, was I not good enough for them? I think I was one hot 13 year-old. Would it have killed Ms. Barton to give me a massage every now and again? By not giving me a reach-around, she was having a permanent detrimental effect on my self-esteem. I thought these people cared about my well-being?

Some teacher.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 04:50 PM | Visit the message board

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