Justin Hagerman: Comedian, Writer, Lover

Sorry, I'm not dead. Just been busy. I've posted some new things in the Audio section and hope to have more soon. So you better check it out!

Thanks to everyone for all the positive e-mails, but I'd prefer you post your thoughts on the message board. It's very lonely :(

Coming soon: Links and a store. Yes, after becoming a total tool and joining MySpace I've decided to venture into Cafe Press territory.

Really big show

I think Jon Stewart did a pretty good job at the Academy Awards tonight. His opening monologue was a little shaky, but he pulled a Rocky and recovered nicely. I watched the whole show, which is odd because I haven't seen one movie that was nominated. Oddly enough, when you're trying to break into the movie business, you're always so busy that you don't have time to watch movies. That's funny, I think.

I do wish that the ugly winners (i.e. Best Editor, Best Sound, etc.) would hire hot models to accept the awards for them, so the audience isn't subjected to a bald, fat-ass tech guy sandwiched between Charlize Theron and Salma Hyeks' presentations. It's kind of a buzz kill, like the turd in the punch bowl. If you're a behind the scenes person, that's where you should remain. The Oscars is no exception.

Speaking of Best Sound, I added another downloadable delectable to the Audio section. (You're welcome)

Shania Twain-I'd do her

Quick plug-I'll be performing at Helium's open mic Tuesday night in Philly. Show starts at 8:30. It's free, so I better see your ass there.

Rebel rebel

I got pulled over again!! I ran out after dinner to get gas, and some douche bag cop was hiding next to a stop sign with his lights off (it was dark), and he stopped me for not coming to a "complete stop." Mind you, this is a back road, and no one stops for this sign, and even though I didn't come to a textbook stop (i.e. slam on your brakes, look around, count to 45, read the newspaper, hug a baby, then continue driving) I came pretty damn close. Thankfully my mad cop deflecting skills turned a potentially bad situation into a humorous story. It went something like this:


"Evening sir. Know why I pulled you over?"	"No. Isn't it your job to know that?"	"...I know why I pulled you over, I was wondering if you knew why."	"Nope. I'm clueless, Porky."

"Well, see that stop sign back there, with the young Negro girl hanging from it? You failed to obey it."	"You expect me to take orders from an inanimate object? Excuse me for having a sack of manhood between my legs. Changed your tampon lately, officer?"	"It's the law, son. I'm going to have to write you a ticket."	"Going to have to catch me first, asshole!"

VROOOOOMMMM...	(seconds later)	"Now you can add a speeding ticket to your collection!"	(blows officer)

Good thing I think quick on my feet!

I miss grade school

I feel like a deadbeat dad. I know I haven't been paying this page the attention I promised, and besides last week at Helium I haven't been doing much stand-up, but I've been working mad crazy. I just got a new job, so this week I will be working three jobs. But starting next week I'll only be working one, so I will finally have the time to work on this site.

"Jake and Kate" has started post-production, though we still have to shoot one more scene in a few weeks. I'm working on a script for Howard Stern's film contest, but the due date is April 11, so it'll be crazy low budget.

I'm not sure when I'll be doing stand-up next; probably at the Caberet on March 22. I'll be working second shift at this new job, so I don't know where I'm going to be able to perform. I might have to resort to telling jokes on street corners to married men trolling for hookers. I think that's how Letterman got started...

Quickie

Just a quick post tonight, I'm exhausted. Anyone who works more than one job is f*cking nuts. Good friend Hank sent me this link and I found it humorous. Maybe you will too.

My thoughts exactly

I will be performing open mic at the Comedy Cabaret in NE Philly tomorrow, so I better see you there. I don't have much to post; basically I've been busy training at my new job and writing two shorts for the Howard Stern film festival.

If you have a second, go to The Kellys web site and check out the episode "Dark Times, Wicked Brew." I wrote a few lines for it back in 2001, and they're reairing it now. My Shakespeare inspired lines are Armani: "Hello, my beautiful blossom," as well as this beautiful dialogue:

Tommy: Yup. Nothin' but compliments. She says she wants to race her husband on her wedding day, and she wants you to be her crew chief.

I don't have screen credit for these, because there's only a few lines, but don't worry, I got paid handsomly. I just think it's swell that actors that I've never met read my lines in a recording studio on the other side of the country. Good for the ego.

I'll leave you with some random sh*t I wrote in my notebook the other day when I was in that funny place between insomnia and hungover.

This morning I woke up and I was still tired. So I turned the bath water on and took a splash. It was nice besides the layer of grease that floated on the top of the water (I had not bathed for a while). I sat my radio on the edge and turned on my favorite morning show "Jack and Noff." They were discussing whether or not marriage was a good idea. I phoned in and said "Yes, I believe it is." After a few minutes I called back, but this time in a female voice. I said that it wasn't, and that my husband who had just called doesn't know what his dumb ass is talking about. The "husband" called while she was still on (I had a cell phone with me as well) and I began to argue with myself. Jack and Noff relished in this domestic dispute, because wife beating is always funnier from the sidelines. They liked this so much that they gave me 2 tickets to a nice steak resturant, which is very nice but I had no one to take, because I of course wasn't married. So I shot myself (I wrote this before I did).

By popular demand

I posted my open mic performance from last night in the Audio section, as well as one from February. I've also posted a video clip of a comedy class "graduation show" from December 2005. Since I don't have a video page, I stuck it on the Audio page for now. Also added to that page was a reading of a poem of mine.

FYI: Today is Kick a Hobo in the Groin Day

This past weekend we shot a scene for "Jake & Kate," as well as most of the footage for a short film for the Howard Stern film contest. I've been busy editing that, but I should have a rough "Jake & Kate" page put together by Sunday. In the meantime, here are three funny links:

I know you've probably seen these already, because evidently, I'm the unhip kid who is the last on the block to know about funny internet shit. Guess I should spend less time getting laid and more time swapping links on MySpace. I'm such a dweeb.

Not dead