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FRIDAY, MARCH 2, 2007
Road Trip
Friday, 6:03 a.m., radio comes on (click that, let play) |
Wow, I just had this prophetic dream! |
Oh, you're up! I made omelets. |
I was in Heaven, and there was this kick-ass place called Hardees |
I used to eat there in my ITT Tech days, but I think they went out of business. Oh, I hope you like green peppers. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to wake you. |
They're not out of business, St. Peter told me so. Can't you find one with your built-in GPS or something? |
Optimus: (robot sigh) It appears that there's one 50 miles away in Myerstown, but there's no way you can get there before work. And the omelets would be way cold by the time we got back. |
F**k your lame omelets, Prime, and f**k work. God has spoken to me, just as he did with Moses. |
He told me of a breakfast sandwich like no other, composed of a sausage patty, four slices of ham, three strips of bacon, eggs, two slices of cheese, all hugged by a greasy biscuit. He called this creation the Monster Biscuit, and it was good. Did I mention that it was 790 calories and had 2300 mg of sodium? |
Hi hunny, I'm home from Jersey early!! ... Why is he here? And do I smell omelets? |
Hello Kelly. I guess you missed the memo, so here it is: Justin and I are back together, and there's nothing you can do about it. So why don't you make like Michael Jackson and beat it, sister? |
Stop it, both of you! All that matters now is the sandwich! Optimus, can you fly me to Myerstown? |
Sure can, 'cause I'm a robot, and that's what robots do! Can you fly, Kelly? I-DON'T-THINK-SO! Hop on, Justin! Later, girl! HAHAHAHA! Oh, you can have those omelets if you want, it'd be a shame if they went to waste. Every ingredient is organic. Nifty, huh? |
(moments later) Justin: There it is, just as the prophecy predicted! Land, dude! Optimus: Hey, I know this is a bad time, but I think you should know that I have herpes. I got it from this Corvette in Vegas. I know, stu-pid! |
Hello, Mr. Hagerman, I've been expecting you.
|
WTF? Grimus? I'd totally forgotten about you. Your cookie was always my favorite. Man, you dropped off the face of the earth! |
This earth, maybe. You see, I am the true evil lord of the Golden Arches; the clown is only a pawn. Now, I can't let you eat that sandwich, boy, for once you do, even the most adamant McGriddle fans will realize that they have been eating inferior food, and we'll be finished. |
You can't stop me! I've thrown away a 5-year relationship and have contracted robot herpes for this sandwich! Blast him quickly, Optimus-breakfast is almost over, and then I'll be forced to eat the measly, 1400 calorie Monster Thickburger! |
Afraid I can't do that, Justin. You see, my loyalty lies with the Dark Lord Grimus. My love for you was fake, but you should know that everything last night was real, if it means anything. I never knew I could transform like that. |
Man, what a f**ked up morning. Well, guess I'm boned. |
(Suddenly shows up with this bigass gun and kills Grimus and Optimus Prime.) |
Whoa, thanks baby! But how did you get here so fast?? |
Easy, I'm a Jersey driver! Traffic laws and pedestrians are irrelevant! |
I love you baby! I'll never leave you for a fictional 80's robot again! Justin left her for a Go-Bot the next week. |
Ok, it's almost 3 a.m. and I have to get up for work in a few hours, so that's it. Oh yeah, I'll be at Helium Tuesday night.
JH
Posted by Justin Hagerman at 2:45 AM | Comment on the message board
TUESDAY, MARCH 13, 2007
Mission Accomplished
This past weekend Kelly and I escaped to Fenwick Island, DE, for a little R&R. Though she believed I wanted to get away to spend some quality time with her, I had a hidden agenda. If you read the previous post you will have learned that I have developed an unhealthy obsession with Hardee's, a fast food restaurant popular in the South, but not very close to West Chester. However, there is one two hours from here in Georgetown, DE, which happened to be on our travel route. Lo and behold, Sunday morning on the way back I finally tasted a Hardee's Monster Thickburger (click for pic), over 1,400 calories of mouth lovin'. I really wanted to try their awesome breakfast sandwich, the Monster Biscuit (see last blog), but we arrived 17 minutes late for breakfast. But make no mistake, the Thickburger was equally intimidating. I've included a slideshow to help document this major milestone in my life.
 |
That's an expensive slab of cow! |
Round 1. This doesn't look so tough... |
I don't think I've ever opened my mouth so wide (insert blowjob joke here) |
The bell rings and I take a moment to gather my strength with some nourishing Diet Coke (Hey, I'm trying to watch my figure) |
Victory is within sight... |
As I finish off my 1,500 calorie opponent, I take a moment to remember all those who fell before me. |
I've now become a man. Kelly is overcome with lust for me and we do it in the Hardee's parking lot. |
JH
Posted by Justin Hagerman at 1:30 AM | Comment on the message board
SATURDAY, MARCH 31, 2007
Nice While It Lasted
This week has actually been pretty decent. Lately, with all the hardcore sh*tty things happening in my family's life, I've been feeling pretty blue. But Tuesday afternoon, I was pulling into the parking lot at work when I noticed that my night crew comrades were standing around outside. Now, it was sunny and 77 degrees out that day, so I figured they were just enjoying the great outdoors before heading inside to rot under the neon sunshine for eight hours. To my surprise, I was told that the power was out, as some generous person had driven into an electric transformer. The transformer was invented by Michael Faraday:
Mr. Faraday
Now you'd think a large company which provides customers with media data 24/7 would have a back-up generator, but no. And thank God! Due to PECO's (as always) vague repair window of 1-48 hours, we were sent home, but dig this, with pay. We were told to be on standby for a few hours in case PECO managed to repair it, but knowing there was no way in hell that that was going to happen, we decided to head back to my place and get trashed. Long story short, we got paid to drink beer, eat pizza and play video games. We even managed to watch Paul's copy of The Cable Guy, a very underrated movie. Seriously, how awesome of a work day is that?!
The week continued to kick ass until yesterday, when Kelly and I decided to check out a very old graveyard next door. Looking at all the old tombstones, I wondered what these people must have been like. Their whole life is summed up by a birth and death date, but everything in between is merely represented by a dash. So I came up with this ingenious idea of a headstone with a weather proof, solar powered video monitor which would show a five minute film about the person's life. I was instantly stoked to the highest level of stokedness. This was a great f**king idea! I was going to be rich!! Even Kelly, who thinks I'm a total idiot, thought it was a great idea. I did a quick search on the internet, and it appeared that no one else had thought of this. Goodbye, stand-up! Hello, orgies with Benjamin Franklins and Salmon P. Chases. (That was a joke about very valuable paper money. Mr. Chase is on the $10,000 bill, but don't ask me who the f*ck he is, because I haven't a clue. Evidently he's 10,000 times more important than George Washington, who was a fairly important guy.)
A $10,000 bill. Good for impressing chicks.
But a few hours ago, as I was brainstorming ways to spend the ridiculous amount of money I would soon possess, Kelly, being the bitch that she is, found this site. Somehow, these assholes stole my idea, and they stole it two years ago. It even received a "Most Innovative Product Award." Bastards. To comprehend how crushed I was, imagine winning a $200 million Powerball, then learning that you have to split it with 500 winners. Granted, that's still a lot of money, but you'd be really pissed. That's how upset I am. I feel as disappointed as Helen Keller at a Pink Floyd Laser Show. (View this video to make that joke 10x funnier)
Well, I'm off to kill myself. Be sure to get me a video headstone that shows that I killed myself over a video headstone, because that'd be pretty funny.
JH
Posted by Justin Hagerman at 12:30 AM | Comment on the message board
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