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THURSDAY, MARCH 20, 2008

Rage Against The Plant

An open letter to Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant

Dear Mr. Plant:

Congratulations on your recent Led Zeppelin reunion show in London. Good show, old boy! Sorry I wasn't there, though it was not for lack of trying, as I made it known that I would've done the most ardous of sexual favors to have acquired a ticket.

Being only 26, I was not yet alive while Led Zeppelin were touring, and since that mail order time machine hasn't arrived yet, I doubt I'll ever get to see one of those shows. So you can understand my excitement when I heard reliable rumors that you were planning a world tour after the London concert. I think it's safe to say that it would be the most anticipated tour of our time, short of someone digging up Lennon and Harrison for a marionette performance with the surviving Beatles. (Speaking of that, Kelly has been watching American Idol contestants cover Beatles songs, and I just went "Hey, want to see my impersonation of John Lennon right now?" I then got on the ground, laid on my back, and rolled over. I thought it was pretty funny.)

Anyway, when I heard that you, Mr. Plant, were no longer interested in a reunion tour because you were committed to your current tour with Alison Krauss (whoever the flippin f**k that is), my heart sank, and my balls retracted into my abdomen. WHAT THE HELL, MAN? Who gave you the right to decide if you'd be involved in a Led Zeppelin tour or not? What was that London show for, "Charity?" Bull. You're a musical cocktease, man. If I run into you on the street, I'm going to beat your ass, right after I shake your hand, get an autograph, and get a cell phone picture to document the event, all while I'm secretly stealing a lock of your hair to eBay. Watch your back, Plant.

Love,

Justin

Sorry about that. I'm actually not as pissed as I could've been, because I'm still stoked about the Foo Fighters concert I just saw. It was pretty awesome, but it was a shame they had to perform in the Spectrum. It was kind of like getting it on with this really hot chick, but in a porta potty. Kind of dampers the elation. Below is a picture of me at the show.

I'll also be seeing the Police in July, hopefully Stone Temple Pilots in May, and quite maybe REM in June. I'm a regular roadie.

What else have I been up to...Oh, I moved. Across the parking lot. I thought it would be easy since it wasn't that far, but even with a moderate sized U-Haul and lots of help, it still sucked ass. Thanks to Greg, Hank & Angela for their help. I know you guys had a blast, because helping friends move is always fun! Greg was all smiles. I'm saving a lot of money by moving into a studio apartment, though it'll be a little cramped until Kelly finishes her class. Like, four Sumo wrestlers in a VW bug cramped.

Quick notes:

• Mike is almost done with a high-res version of "Jake & Kate," and after I remaster the sound, it'll be ready for DVD. I don't even want to guess as to how long this has taken us.
• My swell job has given me carpal tunnel syndrome. If you're not familiar with it, imagine how your wrist would feel after downing 3 bottles of Viagra and locking yourself in a room with a Scarlett Johansson/Natalie Portman sex tape for the weekend.
• I'm going to start alternating weeks at Helium, because gas is getting way too freakin expensive, and I haven't been put on since January. However, in the weeks between I will be at the Wednesday open mics at the NE Philly Comedy Cabaret. Go here for awesome details.
• We had to put our dog Mickey to sleep a little while ago because he had Leukemia. (Man, if they haven't cured dog Leukemia by now, humans with it are pretty f**ked, huh?) Smithers (below) is now the sole survivor of the dozen or so animals we had only a few years ago, which is funny, because she was the oldest. We found volumes of books about poisoining animals by her bed. Coincidence?

Smithers, the star of my infamous college parties

• Cool links: 1) Find a sex offender near you here. (Thanks to Paul for this). 2) Vote for Michael Jackson for Congress here (I saw his ad at work. Don't you think he would've changed his name by now?)
• I've been dicking around on YouTube alot, and I came across a "live" performance one of my favorite bands, New Order, did in the early 90's. What's funny is that they did it on the set of Baywatch as a joke, but they played it straight. Note Hasselhoff trying to pick up chicks during a solo.

Since my new pad has cement walls, I'm going to go blast Full Metal Jacket on surround sound really, really loud =) Night.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:39 PM | Comment on the message board

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