Justin Hagerman: Comedian, Writer, Lover

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FRIDAY, MAY 4, 2007

Who Sh*t on my Voodoo Doll?

Dear Whoever Sh*t on my Voodoo Doll,

First off, in retrospect, it was probably a poor decision on my part to make voodoo dolls of myself, then mail them out to random people. It was probably also a bad idea to cut people off in traffic, then throw my voodoo doll at them. It was indeed a mistake, as events in my life now have made it quite clear that someone is dumping on my voodoo doll.

I believe the sh*tting started on March 12th. Kelly and I had gotten my parents' blessing to use the beach house for the weekend, as we hadn't had time for a vacation in awhile. We thought we'd be alone, but of course my parents showed up and crashed the party like something out of a stale sitcom episode (I swear I heard a laugh track). They decided to visit Seacrets that night and have a few drinks, while Kelly and I, being the freaks that we are, decided to stay in. I received a call from my mom about 11:30 that night (She is a master cockblocker), and all I heard was cussing, sobbing, some more cussing, then "Charlie (My stepdad) was pulled over and arrested, get your ass down here."

We arrive around 12:30 a.m. to find my mom's car with three squad cars, the fourth having taken off earlier with Charlie. I can't tell you how weird it is to pick up your MOM after a DUI. Seriously, it was warped. The details wouldn't be clear for awhile, but what happened was they were tracked all night at Seacrets by a hick the police department pays to follow out-of-towners (who usually have more $), who called in their car information when they departed. Charlie, who is never drunk, had only a few drinks over a three hour timespan, and decided to drive because my mom...well, she was fairly intoxicated. They were immediately pulled over, and the young female officer felt it necessary to call for three back-up cars, as my stepdad is pretty intimidating at 5'6" (that was sarcasm). To say that Charlie is a nice guy would be an understatement; it'd be like calling Bill Gates "kinda wealthy." But these were Maryland cops, and if you haven't been fortunate enough to ever come in contact with any, this might help give you a clearer picture:

Formula for a Maryland cop

He was teased and prodded to the point that he spat some words that he shouldn't have, and was subsequently locked up. Did I mention that he was charged with a DUI and assaulting three officers? Lesson is: If you are ever pulled over for a DUI, don't take the "Count backwards from 100" tests-DEMAND that you be driven back to the station for a breathalyzer test, or else you will be intimidated to the point that you say something you later regret, and be charged with assault. It's how they get their jollies. Charlie's trial is in a few weeks, and it ain't looking good.

To wrap this up, I will use bullet points to highlight reasons I think someone is defecating on my life:

My shift was moved and my pay was reduced 15%
Our family business has taken some bad hits, and I've basically lost that as a part-time job
Kelly lost her job
Our rent was raised
Kelly's car broke down
Our cat now walks like Michael J. Fox
I had this rash on my balls. It's gone now, but I was pretty scared for a few days there

And what about "Jake & Kate," you ask? Well, let's just say that if you work with people who aren't being paid, they're about as motivated as people who aren't being paid (That wasn't aimed at you Sean, the music is awesome). This will be the last project I do with unpaid friends.

In conclusion, please dude, give my voodoo doll a rest.

Your pal,

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:03 PM | Comment on the message board