Justin Hagerman: Comedian, Writer, Lover

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THURSDAY, MAY 22, 2008

I Got Laid!...Off

Yes dear readers, your good friend Justin has become a victim of globalization. I was laid off a few weeks ago, which is a shame, because I had a job in the media industry with great pay and cool co-workers. This of course is happening during a recession, which is a wonderful time for one to lose their job. I'm pretty upset about the whole thing. This is how I reacted when I was told I'd be losing my job:

So I'm hitting the job trail again, and by hitting, I mean clicking on my keyboard. Gone are the days of job fairs, which now only consist of three types of job opportunities: Military, Sales, and Bilingual Telemarketers. Most jobs opportunities are found online now, but unfortunately Monster.com & Careerbuilder are plagued by BS jobs. Attention job posters: A sales job is not a job. A job pays you money, which is of primary importance among applicants. Also, adding "bling" to your job posting doesn't fool anybody. This is a big red flag:

*****ATTENTION!!! WORK AT HOME!! SIT ON THE CAN WHILE MAKING $$$$!!!!*****

Note the excessive asterisk usage, as well as the misspelling of "Your." Also, redundant dollar signs are never a good sign. This would be a more honest description of the position:

Hi there! Like unpredictable paychecks & scamming elderly folk? Try a sales job!

So yeah, unemployment sucks. At first it seems like a good thing, an indefinite vacation sponsored by the state. But after a few weeks of spending all day in your pajamas watching "The Price is Right" and "What's Happening?", the crushing boredom and solitude begin to take a toll on your sanity. Following is a video of me in the pool the other day:

It's pretty clear by the end of the clip that I need a job, and fast. The only good thing about being unemployed is you suddenly find yourself with a lot more free time on your hands. I really want to start growing this site, and that includes doing a weekly cartoon, "The Life of a Rock," as well as adding more poems and other bits. If you get bored, take the new poll I posted.

Well, Wilson and I are off to look for some jobs. FYI, if you're not doing anything Monday, June 23rd, I'll be doing a set at Gotham Comedy Club in New York City. E-mail me for details.

Oh I almost forgot-on Tuesday night Kelly, Sean and I walked up to town to see a movie Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston were filming. It was pretty cool, because they had these huge-ass lights on cranes, and the whole street was covered in fake snow. Read the article here. We were fairly close to them, and I was tempted to shout a wrist-cutting joke to Owen, but I would've been mauled by the adoring fans around me. The movie is called "Marley & Me," and it looks really lame. It's geared toward people who paste "I Am My Dog's Co-Pilot" bumper stickers on their cars. Oh yeah, that's a real sticker. I saw it the other day and just found it here.

Some girl took some videos of the whole thing, which you can see below. I gotta say, she posted that pretty quickly.

My apologies for the really annoying song she put on there.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 04:25 PM | Visit the message board

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008

Blingo

When I first started writing these things two years ago (wow), I was really hesitant to use the term “Blog,” as that’s always been synonymous with coffee-shop-laptop-opinions hacked out by 80’s yuppie spawn. I eventually sucked it up and embraced the term, though I still cry a little bit on the inside each time I use it.

So I've been viewing lots of people's blogs to get ideas to improve my site, and that's when I lost it. No sooner did I start asking around for advice then I was blasted for using incorrect terminology. First off, I wasn’t looking at blogs, I was “surfing the blogosphere.” WTF? (the only good internet slang). Blogosphere? That sounds like a giant bubble where astronauts decontaminate themselves in space.

I was then advised to check out the “Microblogs” posted on “Twitter.” Microblogs? Aren’t those tiny objects that cause a bladder infection? And what asshole coined the phrase “Twitter?” Twitter, to me, sounds like the name a San Francisco couple gives their pet ferret. Maybe they’re distant relatives of yours, and you happened to be in the Bay Area visiting, so you dropped by. You’re having a great time, enjoying some of their offbeat culture, when their pet ferret jumps on your lap. You’re like, “Cute ferret. What’s his name?” You assume it’s Furro, or James Bond, or some shit, but you’re uncomfortably surprised when you’re told it’s Twitter.
You bite your tongue and remain calm, trying to be good company, knowing you’ll be stewing over this retarded name for weeks to come.

“Actually,” the person says, “It’s Twitter II. The original Twitter was killed by our last relative who visited.”

You lose all control. The only thing worse than a shitty pet name is a shitty pet name appendage such as Jr. or III.

Outraged over this travesty of a name for a travesty of a pet (Ferrets aren’t pets, they’re pests.), you grab poor Twitter and launch him in front of a San Francisco streetcar, content you’ve done the right thing by putting this animal out of its misery. The police give you a reward and arrest your relatives for animal cruelty.

Twitter, a real dick.

Other lame internet terms:
Emoticon: This sounds like a robot I could have sex with.
Hotspot: A rash on your balls?
Blurker: When you fart in a hot tub?
Flaming: (Insert cheap gay joke here)

The correct phrase for all of this internet terminology is “Netlingo.” But you know what? Sounds like people just coin these phrases to make the internet seem more hip and exclusive. They serve no real purpose other than to make “bloggers” feel like they’re on the cusp of a technological revolution. But they’re not, they’re just self-important assholes. Edit: I am also a self-important asshole.

So I propose a new phrase for these overhyped words: Blingo.

Side note: Doing research for this I stumbled upon a list of internet acronyms “Every parent should know” here. I don’t have kids that I know of, but it was pretty interesting nonetheless. I’m really out of the loop. I feel like some old grandpa. “In my day, we just had A/S/L!” Check out what #21 on that list is. I think that’s hilarious, and I’m going to start incorporating it into all of my text messages.

NIFOC,

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 05:25 PM | Visit the message board

SATURDAY, MAY 31, 2008

Brave New World (w/cereal)

When you're unemployed, you really feel like you're in a different dimension. You run errands when most people are at work, so the only people you come in contact with are fellow non-workers. During the daytime, you will meet only three types of people:

1) Old ladies

2) Soccer Moms

and

3) Retarded Vampires

Well, Thursday I summoned up the courage to go grocery shopping during the daytime, and holy shit, was that a mistake. The big difference between shopping during the day as opposed to the evening is that in the evening people have someplace else to be. Male shoppers at 6:30 pm aren't dicking around-they know where that milk is, and they have exact change for it, too. But for daytime folk, grocery shopping isn't an errand, it's an event. They're not hurrying to get on with their day because this is their day. They look forward to trading recipes, gossiping about other people's ugly kids, etc., and they don't much care for outsiders. So when I entered the East Goshen Township Genuardi's at 1:30 in the afternoon, I found my grocery buying attempts thwarted in every aisle. Just look at this picture of some old people blocking my cereal:

They may look like friendly old people, but it took me three Judo takedowns just to clear a path to my Count Chocola.

What can I say, I love chocolaty retarded vampires.

Sidenotes: Thanks to Sean for the pics I added to my Bio and Myspace page. He actually makes me look like a professional, which is no easy feat. Also, I will be at the Philadelphia Comic Book Convention tomorrow, so if you're there give me a call and we can nerd-out. Oh and I'll be doing stand-up at The Lickety Split around 9:30 tomorrow night, if you're around South Street.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 02:10 PM | Visit the message board