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POETRY These are some poems that I wrote in high school and college. No, they're not about an ex-girlfriend, or sunsets, or flowers blooming. They tend to be on the dark side, but with a humorous slant. Feedback is greatly appreciated, although I already know I need therapy so please don't preach to the choir. The bulk of these were written a few years back, but I've sprinkled in some new ones and I'll continue to add more if feedback is good. |
GLOSSARY Whore | Alien Encounter | Congested | Mona Lisa | Rambling| Lost Keys | Vegetables | Suicide | Helper Monkey | Little Boys in Paper Hats | Prozac | Searching for you | Bad Tip | Odd Couple | Writer's Block | Suicidal Sally | Sweet Dreams | Postal NEW! |
She's a whore, say no more
frequents the local liquor store.
By guys much adored
by gals much abhored.
The park's most popular ride
isn't cheap to get inside.
You'll be lonely if you're poor
if you're rich she'll come to your door.
With charitable tips she'll get hardcore
you'll be broke but glad you scored.
Popular with men both young and old
with scrotum stratums of mold.
Shes host to nasty sores
for which there are no cures.
But ask any girl
who's a guy
if he's ever
had to buy
And he'll reply
with a sigh
"She's a whore, say no more."
Jake the Boy is plucked from his bed
by an ominous figure overhead
Taken someplace where he can't see
touched in a place no one should be
Taken home from whence he came
soon asked about the beings to blame
"Were their spaceships like ours, or did they go faster?"
Jake shrugs, "It was just Father Castor."
i went to blow
my nose
but accidentaly
blew out
my brains
Sit still, you stupid bitch
whenever I'm ready, you twitch
What do you mean I'm working too slow
you just went twenty minutes ago
Stop screwing around, put that down
And whats with the frown?
I'm not paying you
twenty bucks an hour
to look sour
Show me some skin, give me a teaser
cleavage is a crowd pleaser
Sit up straight, pull back your hair
and pretend you care
Stop looking at the cat
Look at me
Act happy
Sometimes i dip babies in chocolate
then let my dog lick it off
but then my dog gets sick cause it cant digest chocolate
so i go to the vet
but when i get there i realize i left the dog at home
the vet chuckles and tells me he hates dogs, he was just going to put him to sleep anyways
I laugh and say its cool, it wasnt even my dog
I say i'm sorry, i need to get home to my wife
then i realize i dont have one, i'm a 45 year old virgin and i live with my mom
who's been dead for eight years
That sucks, he says. I make ninety thousand a year and I'm married to a supermodel
I start to cry and he says its ok, its not that great,
I'm gay and my wife spends all our money on vibrators
I sniff and say 'Really?'
He says ya, it sucks. are you gay?
I say i'm not sure, i dont get out much
He says I should try it sometime, its fun
I say cool and he blows me
Oh god, i'm sorry, i'm rambling...
I'll just have a quarter pounder with cheese please
Lost Keys
shoes: under bed
watch: nightstand
porn mag: sock drawer
sock: porn mag
dog: closet
phone: refrigerator
amelia earhardt: attic
keys: no goddamn clue
Vegetables
I love vegetables
more than candy
Broccoli and asparagus
are just dandy
I love vegetables!
Too bad
I am one :(
Suicide is fun
unless you can't
afford a gun
i'm so hungry
i'd go to the store
but i have no legs
i'd order a pizza
but i have no arms
the cubbard is empty
the condiments are worthless
there is only my helper monkey
i could eat it...
but who would change my clothes?
too late
the monkey is eaten
i start to feel guilty
when i realize
i'm not crippled
i'm just lazy
I like little boys
in paper hats
I wonder if they like me
Think I should ask?
I like the paperboy
and he likes me
Doubt they'll find him
in my chimney
I like my rights
I have a lot
I was given them
by a man named S.W.A.T.
I like my lawyer
he's very nice
He gave me useful
legal advice
I like my judge
He gave me life
He said they'd take care
of my wife
I like my cellmate
He brought me flowers
He said we'd have fun
in the showers
I don't like the showers
They're not that fun
It was different
with my stepson
I dont like the men
with big fists
Who found out
I like kids
I dont like the guards
with big bats
Why'd I have to like
little boys
in paper hats?
I'm so happy!
Can't you see?
Like a flower
in the sun
Not a bunny
with a gun
Hoppidy-hop-hop
Gimme my
lolly pop
Smiles at my door,
not a rancid whore
I want a rainbow,
not more chemo
I'm an optimist,
not a sadist
Puppy dogs and cuddly kittens,
not satanic religions
Tomorrows a brand new day,
I'm not gay
Teddy bear hugs,
not needle drugs
I'm sleeping,
not dead
Not me
I'm too happy!
I've been searching for you
for so long
How could something that feels so right
be so wrong?
Where have you gone
my pure white swan?
We were meant to be together
Can't you see?
You and me
Eternity
Every minute that we're apart
the hole grows bigger
in my heart
This is too much toil, too much labor
For toilet paper
6:45 PM-dinner time
555-7477-Pizza Heaven
4-times doorbell chymes before Man answers door
$19.65-price for two large pizzas
$20-amount Man paid
$0.35-profit Pizza Boy made
15-years passed
747-series of plane Pizza Boy pilots
4:30 PM-departure time of Man's plane
2-number of Pizza Boy's dry eyes
$4.40-cost of eye drops
$4.05-all Pizza Boy has
12B-Man's seat number, near the back
6:45 PM-approximate time of impact
Hi my name is Ron and I'm a twenty-three year-old virgin
I like fishing and hunting
and I'm a vegetarian
I like Star Trek and classic rock
New rock is fake, like my
prosthetic leg
I like girls, like them a lot
But they don't like me, they do not
Hi my name is Jon and I'm a twenty-three year-old swinger
Yes, we're siamese twins
There is no third one, siamese means two
Yes, it does, look it up
I like girls, like them a lot
They like me, they think I'm hot
I don't know, I guess he's shy
He's not a very
good looking guy
He could be gay
He touches me
everyday
Joint penis? No excuse
Thats sexual abuse!
...
You're much better off as you
Suicidal Sally, she has to use non-toxic glue
Suicidal Sally, can only eat with a spoon
Tried using cyanide but think she's immune
Suicidal Sally, frequents hospitals but never been sick
Try double knotting, that'll do the trick
Suicidal Sally, doesn't R.S.V.P.
Shotgun headwound
That sounds comfy
Suicidal Sally, doesn't like heights
Tried using matches but never ignites
Suicidal Sally, don't make her sad
Oh Sally, can second grade really be that bad?
In my coma I'm rich and white,
and I party all night.
In my coma I drive two Porches
with a wife who is simply gorgeous.
When I wake I'm sixty-three,
my body's atrophied.
When I wake I soon will see
my wife's not what I thought she'd be.
In my chair I'm rolled around
to speak to others in the town.
In my chair I say I think,
I wish I never had that fateful drink.
In my dreams I kiss my wife
as we dance outside in my coma life.
In my dreams I order a drink,
and she smiles, laughs, and shoots me a wink.
Woke with a smile, passion renewed,
no sleep in awhile, no dreams pursued.
Last night I lied awake, thoughts adrift.
She appeared as a snake, her message swift,
"I'm waiting for you, you'll know where I am,
waiting to be subdued, and killed like a lamb!"
Rushed to work and started my route,
I'd be delivered to her soon, no doubt.
Afternoon delivery on the edge of town,
a farm with a young lady, and no one around.
She smiled and signed with no hesitation,
I was barely able to hide the bubbling sensation.
Patience was needed, I must wait,
for she was not yet mine to take.
Before I left she gave me a box,
it was small yet heavy as rocks.
"Be careful with this, I'm an artist;
this piece was one of my hardest!"
Weeks pass by and I see her more,
always with a package ready at the door.
Her blond locks fade to brown in the Fall,
we talk much, building a rapport,
though she suspects nothing at all,
the end was approaching, her demise in store.
Christmas Eve, the snow hugs the earth,
a blanket for the dead below,
and the flowers that give birth.
With my toolbag I draw near to her porch,
my heart racing, overflowing, of course.
I clutch the knocker, shaking in cool perspiration,
when the door flies open, I cry out in desperation!
She hurries me inside, believing me stranded,
unaware of the doom she's delivered single-handed!
"Have a seat, I'll make us some hot tea,
I was finishing a piece, it's almost ready!"
I glance around, no art to be found,
perhaps she works like me, when no one's around?
As she hands me a cup I reach for my kit,
but something funny happens when I take a sip.
She grins as I squirm and writhe in my seat,
waves of prickling boils overwhelming me.
She grabs a small box,
and holds it beside my head.
"It'll fit snug, packed with socks.
You'll be comfy, though dead."
My eyes are tragically immune,
tracking her as she leaves the room.
My body is convulsing, unable to bear anymore,
a sofa cushion shifts and I collapse to the floor.
She returns with a knife and a gleam in her eye,
and as she begins to saw I think "What a girl!"
and say Goodbye.
Contents © 1998-2008 Justin Hagerman
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