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SATURDAY, JANUARY 28, 2006

The Flu-A Viral Pansy

I'd forgotten how rough the flu can be, as it's been about eight years since I've had it. Simply put: The Flu is a dick. Though it only lasts a few days, it causes horrible misery, and really cramps your social life. And it's totally pointless. I mean, what does this virus hope to accomplish? AIDS kills people. It has an agenda. Once you're infected, it will never leave you until it has done its job.

Not the Flu. This pussy wimps out after a few days. Ok, if you're 80 years old it could be fatal, but so what? That's nothing for a virus to brag about. I wonder what AIDS and his homey Ebola think of the Flu? They probably kicked his ass in high school. The only thing the Flu deserves props for is longevity. I'm pretty sure he has been around as long as man. But he's still a punk.

To prove my point, Monday at work, tell a co-worker that you have AIDS. Wait a moment, gauge their reaction, then say you were mistaken, you have the Flu. I bet they won't be as concerned. They'll just be miffed that you've been dipping your hands in the donut box all morning.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 07:10 PM | Comment on the message board

SUNDAY, JANUARY 29, 2006

Colin Farrell's "Sex Tape" Review

Nicole Narain (left) and Colin Farrell (far right) star in the controversial tape

Colin Farrel's "Sex Tape" comes at a time when our society has developed a blase attitude toward celebrity sex video endouvers, unlike times past where a raunchy video could land you in real trouble (i.e. Rob Lowe). Known for his leading roles in Hollywood blockbusters such as "Minority Report," Colin Farrell has been in something of a career slump lately. 2004's fall slouch "Alexander" proved an embarrassing failure for both Farrel and veteran filmmaker Stone, and neither star has yet to fully recover. Mr. Farrell has been reduced to taking sporadic roles on network sitcoms and starring in the historical yawn "The New World."

It is no surprise he chose now to release "Sex Tape." Made in 2003 during downtime while shooting "Daredevil," this film has stirred up loads of media attention, which has to be just what he intended. Low-budget and hardcore, this film attempts to follow on the blazing heels of the "Paris Hilton Sex Tape" which blasted Ms. Hilton out of billionaire-heiress obscurity into Fox reality show stardom. Unfortunately for Mr. Farrell, this film is no Paris Hilton Sex Tape.

Unlike the Paris Hilton tape (which was directed by and starred Richard Salomon, husband of Shannon Dougherty), Colin's sex tape lacks any preparation, any passion and any decent camera angles. Though the S.W.A.T. night vision effect used by Salomon really freaked me out (their eyes glowed like raccoon's), at least I could make out what was going on. But after the initial two minute P.O.V. oral sex shot, Colin abandons any attempt to make this thing watchable. At times I thought it was being filmed by a Blair Witch cameraman with epilepsy with Helen Keller as D.P.

And what a shame, too. This movie also stars gorgeous Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain, and Farrell does her no justice with this film (nor does he in bed). Most disturbing is when he makes her take the camera, and we the audience are forced to see what it looks like to be orally pleasured by the Neo-Nazi haircut Farrell, a disturbing sight indeed. Farrell only adds to the freakiness when he looks up and declares, "Holy f**k, my f**king breakfast lunch and dinner right here, I'm not even f**king joking." Yum! Dinner, anyone?

Admittedly, this is Colin's first sex tape. In the film he comments about being an avid porn enthusiast, but for some reason he chose not to tap this storehouse of knowledge for his own video. Also, I am more ripped than Colin Farrell. This dude looks like an Auschwitz survivor who did 10 push-ups minutes before the tape started rolling. I'm also better hung. In the now-classic "Tommy and Pamela Lee" video, I didn't mind occasionally seeing Tommy's penis. I'm not gay, but it was a sight to behold, something to tell the grandkids about. Colin's wang is something you may spot by accident in a Bally's shower that makes you feel a little bit better about your manhood.

In his defense, while having awkward/painful "sit-on-my-lap-with-your-back-facing-me" sex, Colin does admit, "This is some of the shabbiest f**king photography in the history of f**king porn, but you know what? I could give a f**k."

Still, we wish he had.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 04:55 PM | Comment on the message board

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2006

Kids are nothing to be proud of

On the way home from work today I passed an SUV with a bumper sticker that read "My kids think I'm an ATM" and beside that was a "Proud parent of a Chester Elementary Honor Roll Student." Now, I'd had a really bad sleep-deprivation caused migraine all day, so I wasn't in the most chipper of moods to begin with, and reading these caused the pain in my temples to spike to a level I can only describe as "not fun."

Many thoughts were racing through my mind: Who would think the "ATM" sticker was funny? Maybe that joke would kill at open mic night at the Soccer Mom Comedy Cafe, but it doesn't cut the mustard on the highway when you're riding next to such gems as "No fat chicks-I just bought new tires!" and "Your mom didn't really want you-she was just out of coat hangers!" (I just wrote that second one. Nice, eh?) And who brags about an Honor Roll student in elementary school? Did they not shit their pants longer than the other kids? They pretty much hand out A's in elementary school. Which brings me to my next point...

I want people to understand something: Children are nothing to be proud of. I realize they are a tremendous amount of work and great time and money is invested in their well being, but I don't give a shit. You should never, ever be proud of something that all your neighbors have as well. This doesn't apply to just child pride; people with nice lawns, a well-decorated house and a nice car shouldn't feel any sense of pride either. Pride should only come from something that very few people ever accomplish. If you've climbed Mt. Everest, boast all you want. If you're a quadriplegic CEO of a successful treadmill company, be proud. But if you have two kids who do really well in school and have lots of sports-earned trophies, hang your head in shame. You are a disgusting excuse for a human being. Not only are you a failure, but you have now passed your loser seeds on to a new generation who will no doubt soil the rest of the world's gene pool with your sorry ass DNA.

A bunch of total failures

I was going to go to Helium tonight, but I didn't feel like blowing three hours of my time and $10 for city parking only to be rejected because I'm a newby. However, I will be at the Comedy Cabaret tomorrow night, so you better come out. It'll really kick ass. Sit back, get plowed and laugh at all the funny comics. Also fun is laughing at comics who aren't funny but who think they are. That's the best.

Bye for now.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 07:03 PM | Comment on the message board

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2006

Deep thoughts

On the way home from work today, I got to thinking "What ever happened to the Pink Ranger, Amy Jo Johnson? She was pretty hot." I heard she had got into porn, but I wasn't sure.

So I stopped by amyjojohnson.com. She's a singer now. Also, she's older than I thought. I was thinking late 20's, but she's in her mid 30's. She also has some artwork on the site. And surprisingly enough there's a huge fan site, amyjo.com. It has tons of stuff on it. I'm amazed her career justifies such a devotion. Well, have a good night everyone.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 9:41 PM | Comment on the message board

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2006

Alien Romance Novel

I don't have much to say today, so I'm posting a short bit I wrote in August 2004. I had completely forgotten about it until I stumbled across it by accident today. It's a spoof on those crappy romance novels that are basically porno for chicks. Hope you enjoy.

The following is an excerpt from Chapter 9 of "The Love Eaters"

Shanak leaned against the wall, trying to compose herself. Everything had happened so fast. Her hearts pounded inside her chest, causing her to ooze from the mouth.
“Your mouth froth…is refreshing,” Nonon remarked, as he lit the fire with a flick of his tongue.

She chuckled. When was the last time her life completion partner had done that for her?

Still, as cruel as Rakaaaaaabil had been to her, she couldn’t help feeling bad about staying with Nonon. Why, if anyone ever found out, she’d never be able to live with herself. Especially after the Council dismembered her.

Nonon sensed her anguish, and made his way over to her. He always made her feel nervous, but it was a good nervous. She felt young again, and his touch brought back memories of forbidden love, and smoking knosh behind her father’s back. She closed her eyes and felt her body tingle as he brushed her cheek with his sharp claw. Goosebumps peppered her skin as she let out a moan, and probably some more froth.

“Don’t be nervous, my sweet Shanak, there is nothing to be afraid of,” Nonon assured her. “Your partner is far away, harvesting puppies on Xeor. We are all alone.”

With this she lost all control, and she pushed him back onto the bed. They exchanged smiles as his love rod filled to capacity. She slipped out of her nightwear and lowered herself down on him. The moonlight cloaked his body in a brilliant red glow, and his muscular tentacles gleamed in the night.

She had never spawned like this before. She felt his love rod thrust repeatedly inside of her poontonk, while his tentacles fondled her seven holes, and even toyed with the taboo eighth hole. The bed rocked back and forth with their bodies, and she screamed Nonon’s nickname, “Bob,” each time he pounded her.

Finally, she felt him shudder as his love rod released his spawn juice inside of her. She let out a sad sigh. Despite momentous research efforts, scientists still were unable to locate the female climax region.

“Good thing I was wearing a fluid retaining device,” he smirked.

“You were so great,” she said. She then threw up on him, as was tradition. She tickled his tummy, and then rested her head on his balls. Just as she felt herself falling into a deep, relaxing sleep, she heard something outside.

“What is that?” she whispered. But before he could respond, the futuristic, shiny door burst open.

It was Rakaaaaaabil.

“So, the rumors are true!” he exclaimed. He glanced at Nonon. “And you, how could you? My own mother!”

Shanak was shocked. “Your…mother?”

PLEASE PURCHASE THE FULL NOVEL AT FUTURISTICALIENGIRLPORN.COM!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Renoxikela Blaben was born on the 5 of Jar, 1424595. He started his career by writing futuristic tales of fair-skinned creatures who walked on two legs and who had hairy reproduction areas. These tales proved too extreme for audiences, and he moved into erotic fiction. He currently resides on Gnak with his wife and 8.5 children.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:35 PM | Comment on the message board

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8, 2006

Rebel rebel

I got pulled over again!! I ran out after dinner to get gas, and some douche bag cop was hiding next to a stop sign with his lights off (it was dark), and he stopped me for not coming to a "complete stop." Mind you, this is a back road, and no one stops for this sign, and even though I didn't come to a textbook stop (i.e. slam on your brakes, look around, count to 45, read the newspaper, hug a baby, then continue driving) I came pretty damn close. Thankfully my mad cop deflecting skills turned a potentially bad situation into a humorous story. It went something like this:

"Evening sir. Know why I pulled you over?"	"No. Isn't it your job to know that?"	"...I know why I pulled you over, I was wondering if you knew why."	"Nope. I'm clueless, Porky."
"Well, see that stop sign back there, with the young Negro girl hanging from it? You failed to obey it."	"You expect me to take orders from an inanimate object? Excuse me for having a sack of manhood between my legs. Changed your tampon lately, officer?"	"It's the law, son. I'm going to have to write you a ticket."	"Going to have to catch me first, asshole!"
VROOOOOMMMM...	(seconds later)	"Now you can add a speeding ticket to your collection!"	(blows officer)

Good thing I think quick on my feet!

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:16 PM | Comment on the message board

TUESDAY, ARPIL 18, 2006

Tired of not sleeping

Things like this keep me up at night.

At work, I have to write 3-6 sentence summaries of commercials. The program's built-in FCC doesn't allow potentially offensive words or phrases like "cock" or "tea bag," to be entered, though if "tea" and "bag" are separated by another word, or a symbol, it would get through. For example, "Johnny tea^bagged Susie in the men's room," would be acceptable. The cyber nanny is very fickle, and even words like "squirt" may be subject to scrutiny. This makes writing even the simplest summaries difficult, so when I'm done with a summary for a typical jewelry store commercial, it may look like this:

The rising sun is reflected in the morning dew on the lawn. A man arises, kissing his wife on the head. She rolls over and smiles, still wearing the pearl necklace he gave her as an anniversary gift the night before. On screen text: "Couples love Jake's Jewelers."

She then blows^him until breakfast.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 09:30 PM | Comment on the message board

THURSDAY, ARPIL 20, 2006

Being #1 Not Fun

I've never claimed that I'm a very intelligent man. I'm not too good at math, and in fact never was able to comprehend one single thing taught to me in Chemistry. But I've come to realize that I am probably smarter than about 82% of Americans. Now, you'd think I would be happy about this, but in fact it is taking a horrible toll on my life. Stupid people are killing me slowly.

I got home late last night because some asshole on a motorcycle decided to crash into a soccer mom SUV and they tied up traffic for awhile. Hopefully someone died, because I was really tired today. I was pissed enough when I found out it was a motorcycle related accident, because I've always hated the fact that it's legal to drive a bike on a highway with 3,500 lb. cars going 70 mph. Amazing, isn't it?

But this isn't what made me realize I hate stupid people, surprisingly. NO, it was the fact that my side of the highway was shut down, when the motherf**king accident was on the other side of the road! And I was at the front of this traffic jam, and right in front of me was an overweight, retired, volunteer fire-police man. In case you don't know what a fire-police man is, it's someone who is neither a fireman or a police man. He was actually too stupid to be a police officer. His job is to park in front of people's cars and stop them from moving. But, the way this guy carried himself, you would've thought he had rescued 10 floors of people from the WTC.

9/11 firemen erect a flag at Ground Zero.	Meanwhile, in West Chester, a Fire Police Man keeps terrorists at bay.

So myself and a few other inquisitive people got out of our cars, and the leader of our group asked this guy some obvious questions. It went something like this:

Man: Why aren't we moving?

Fire PoliceMan: Because there was an accident.

Man: But it's on the other side of the highway.

Fire PoliceMan: I know that sir.

Man: But...why can't we go? This doesn't make any sense.

Fire PoliceMan: My supervisor will be here any minute, and he'll clear things up. Please get back in your cars.

Thankfully, his supervisor did show up. An hour and 1/2 later.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:46 PM | Comment on the message board

MONDAY, ARPIL 24, 2006

"Don't get cocky kid!"

I read today that authorities thwarted another Columbine inspired school shooting. One of the kids got cocky the night before and bragged about it on his MySpace page. What a dick. The rest of the team had been planning for this since the beginning of the school year; they had a detailed plan, they spent tons of money on supplies, they wrote and re-wrote their hit list, and this ass blew their cover because he thought bragging about a school shooting would get some 14 year-old flat chested, pimply chick to cyber with him. Kids these days.

And before a cousin of a grocery store clerk who once packed a bag for a Columbine victim sends me a nasty e-mail, I was just being facetious; I don't support murder. I'm just miffed these kids can't think of their own fads. Shooting up your classmates is so 1999. Get with the times! Speaking of 1999, I finally added the Classics page. But before you ruin your panties, I've only been able to add one bit. The rest will be coming soon, but I'm updating graphics and other stuff, and it's taking a bit longer than I anticipated. As always, check back frequently.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:49 PM | Comment on the message board

MONDAY, MAY 8, 2006

Frozen Tundra

They've moved my desk at work. I'm now directly under the air conditioning vent, so needless to say I'll be dressed like a Himalayan sherpa for the remainder of the summer.

My new hub.

Also, Comcast sucks. They have totally muscled out just about every other cable company in the tri-state area, so I'll be hocking organs all year just to get basic cable at my new apartment. Oh, well, at least I'll be warm in my apartment.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:29 PM | Comment on the message board

WEDNESDAY, MAY 24, 2006

Fast Food Christ

Got some great news for all you Wendy's fans-Dave Thomas is back!!!!!!!! That's right, the lovable, cuddable creature that spawned that pig-tailed slut is back from the grave.

Yesterday at work I viewed an ad that aired in Kansas last week and sure enough, Dave was in it. I thought he died in 2002 of liver cancer, but he's still going strong in Wichita. He was advertising some pitas, and a co-worker informed me they stopped selling those awhile back. But you can't blame old Dave for being a little confused-the guy's been dead for four years!

I suppose it could simply be an old commercial that accidentally aired, but I believe it's more likely that Dave Thomas has succeeded in quantum immortality. This is not to be confused with calorie restriction, which Mr. Thomas's close friend, Ronald McDonald, is known to practice. This is why Ronald looks so gaunt, yet appears unaged after making his debut 46 years ago. And yes, the idea of a mascot promoting 700 calorie burgers living a calorie-restrictive diet is irony to the max.

Ronald maintains his youthful appearance by subsiding on 700 calories a day.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 01:11 AM | Comment on the message board

SATURDAY, AUGUST 5, 2006

You Know You're Jealous

Disclaimer: I am drunk

Heeey, what's up? Hey, thanks for stopping by. Let me take you through the series of events that was my thrilling, action-packed Friday evening:

5:00-Began drinking vodka and coke.

6:00-" "

7:00-" "

7:30-Rummaged through my porn box and "entertained myself."

7:35-Took a quick nap.

10:00-Awoke and proceeded to watch "Good Night and Good Luck."

12:00-WaWa hotdog run

Here are some pictures to help you visualize my night:

Thrilling, huh? My day was semi-productive, however, as I started transferring old family VHS films to the more durable DVD format. For the Disney World trip tape, I surfed the internet to locate the exact names of the rides for the chapter titles (I'm a thorough muthaf**ker) and I discovered that the kick-ass ride that was "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" ceased to be in 1994. WTF??? That ride actually made looking at a giant aquarium interesting, and they scratched it for some Lilo & Stitch crap? I was outraged and discovered a web site dedicated to the memory of the ride, located here. It is a little sad, actually. I wish I had that much free time.

Anyway, Hank sent me a link you may enjoy, unless you were born after 1983, then you'll have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on. Peace, bitches.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 02:36 AM | Comment on the message board

TUESDAY, AUGUST 8, 2006

Blast from the past

I found an old page that used to be on my site years ago. It was very juvenile and obscene, and it would really be tasteless to post it on my site now. So I'll put it here!

Ok, here is a sample of the page that was "Rejected Porn Movie Titles."

Riding Ms. Daisy

Savoring Ryan's Privates

Eating Gilbert's Grapes

Stop or my Mom will Strip!

Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Bi

Cheek and Shlong

I Still Know What You Did With the Plumber

A Gay's Hard Night

Sister Caught in the Act

BoyzNTheirWood

The Truth About Cats and Dogs and Me

and my favorite...

Big Trouble in Little Vagina

Classy :)

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 02:59 PM | Comment on the message board

FRIDAY, AUGUST 18, 2006

Yay Vicodin, Boo Child Killers

I had four wisdom teeth removed this morning. Despite all the hype around this procedure, it was relatively fast and easy and I'm barely in pain. Of course, that could be because of the Vicodin they prescribed me. This stuff rocks, I can see why people get addicted to it. I may have to go back and have some more teeth yanked just to get another bottle. The best thing about the surgery? I can close my mouth now-the 5 mm gap between my teeth is now a little more than 1 mm. Studies have shown that women are attracted to men who can close their mouth.

Attention News Media: Calm your ass down. This JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect is full of it. Next time, before you go apesh*t, check to see if his story doesn't have HUGE GAPING HOLES. The Boulder Police Department may want to heed this advice as well.

Gotta go; I just got a paper cut and I may need some Vicodin to tackle this massive pain. Pray for me.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:16 PM | Comment on the message board

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2006

Sweet Dreams

As I write this I am getting ready to crash. Insomnia is fun until you actually get tired, and then you get really, really tired. I thought I'd use this space to brainstorm my ideal dream for tonight. Hopefully it'll go something like this...

"I have a dream..."

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:04 PM | Comment on the message board

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2006

Five Years

September 11 started as a really kick-ass day for me. I was 19 and a sophomore in college, still living in the dorms. My morning class had been cancelled because the teacher wasn't feeling well, so I got to sleep in 3 hours. I woke up around 10:30 AM and decided to finish watching The Empire Strikes Back for the 80th time. The sound was amazing on our ghetto surround sound system consisting of three small speakers and two speakers from a 20 year-old record player my roommate's parents had lent us. I watched the scene where Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher were trying to clean those weird creatures off of the Millennium Falcon (Unbeknownst to them, that was the least of their problems because they were actually inside the mouth of a giant space monster!).

Next, I decided to take a shower (this was around 11 AM). I thoroughly enjoyed my shower because I was the only one in the bathroom. This had never happened before-usually there was some guy beating off in the stall next to me or a guy from down the hall banging his girlfriend in the stall at the end. It was nice to bathe in peace and quiet and I was so overjoyed that I practically skipped back to my room, still wearing a towel and holding my gay shower basket.

That's when I ran into a guy walking the opposite direction. I had never met him before, but he looked up at me, shook his head and said, "Man, can't believe it..." I figured he was a freshman who had just failed his first big test, so I thought I'd try to bring his spirits up. I smiled and said "Hey, what're you going to do? Shit happens!" I'll never forget the look he gave me-it was a blend of shock and disgust, and I think he really wanted to kick my ass. I let this obviously ungrateful guy be and went back to my room. As I started to get dressed I turned on the news, and then said aloud, "Oh, f**k me."

If that story didn't cheer you up, I found this old commercial that will help remind you of the old carefree days of flying.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 01:59 PM | Comment on the message board

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2006

Sad Days

The past week has been very sad for the Hagerman/Rappa family. Last week our cat Lisa died at eight years old of cancer. During her last hours her best friend Elvis (our golden retriever) was there to comfort her, and she died in what appeared to be very little pain.

Two days ago Elvis died. I got a call Sunday afternoon saying he was found dead in the backyard, apparently from a sudden heart attack or stroke. We also got him in 1998, so it was very sad. We're not some farm family with 12 dogs and 3 dozen cats; we only have a few pets, so it was a very bizarre turn of events. I mean shit, the dog was healthy!

I called out of work Sunday to help bury the dog (he was rather large), because my stepfather was out on business and we weren't sure when he would be back. Work seemed cool with this, until I was informed yesterday that if you call out on the first day back from a vacation, you don't get paid for the vacation days. Doesn't matter what you call out for, that's the policy. So I will be losing pay for both last Thursday and Friday, something that kinda sucks this time of year. If I had children the conversation would go like this:

Me: Sorry Jimmy, Santa won't be bringing any presents this year.

Jimmy: (sniffs) Why not, father?

Me: The dog died.

Jimmy: (cries louder) The doggy is dead???

Me: I meant to tell you that earlier. My bad.

I wanted to wait a day to write this because I was so enraged all of last night and I didn't want to write something that would get my ass fired. But needless to say my #1 priority right now is finding another job, as my current company now fills me with disgust, rage and remorse that I wasted almost a year of my youth serving them. In retrospect, the only way I could've buried my dog in peace yet not have my vacation pay jacked from me would have been to do this:

On a totally unrelated note, I will be doing the open mic tomorrow at the Comedy Cabaret in Philly. Go here for more details.

Love,

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:41 AM | Comment on the message board

FRIDAY, MARCH 2, 2007

Road Trip

Ok, it's almost 3 a.m. and I have to get up for work in a few hours, so that's it. Oh yeah, I'll be at Helium Tuesday night.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 2:45 AM | Comment on the message board

TUESDAY, MARCH 13, 2007

Mission Accomplished

This past weekend Kelly and I escaped to Fenwick Island, DE, for a little R&R. Though she believed I wanted to get away to spend some quality time with her, I had a hidden agenda. If you read the previous post you will have learned that I have developed an unhealthy obsession with Hardee's, a fast food restaurant popular in the South, but not very close to West Chester. However, there is one two hours from here in Georgetown, DE, which happened to be on our travel route. Lo and behold, Sunday morning on the way back I finally tasted a Hardee's Monster Thickburger (click for pic), over 1,400 calories of mouth lovin'. I really wanted to try their awesome breakfast sandwich, the Monster Biscuit (see last blog), but we arrived 17 minutes late for breakfast. But make no mistake, the Thickburger was equally intimidating. I've included a slideshow to help document this major milestone in my life.

That's an expensive slab of cow!

Round 1. This doesn't look so tough...

I don't think I've ever opened my mouth so wide (insert blowjob joke here)

The bell rings and I take a moment to gather my strength with some nourishing Diet Coke (Hey, I'm trying to watch my figure)

Victory is within sight...

As I finish off my 1,500 calorie opponent, I take a moment to remember all those who fell before me.

I've now become a man. Kelly is overcome with lust for me and we do it in the Hardee's parking lot.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 1:30 AM | Comment on the message board

FRIDAY, MAY 4, 2007

Who Sh*t on my Voodoo Doll?

Dear Whoever Sh*t on my Voodoo Doll,

First off, in retrospect, it was probably a poor decision on my part to make voodoo dolls of myself, then mail them out to random people. It was probably also a bad idea to cut people off in traffic, then throw my voodoo doll at them. It was indeed a mistake, as events in my life now have made it quite clear that someone is dumping on my voodoo doll.

I believe the sh*tting started on March 12th. Kelly and I had gotten my parents' blessing to use the beach house for the weekend, as we hadn't had time for a vacation in awhile. We thought we'd be alone, but of course my parents showed up and crashed the party like something out of a stale sitcom episode (I swear I heard a laugh track). They decided to visit Seacrets that night and have a few drinks, while Kelly and I, being the freaks that we are, decided to stay in. I received a call from my mom about 11:30 that night (She is a master cockblocker), and all I heard was cussing, sobbing, some more cussing, then "Charlie (My stepdad) was pulled over and arrested, get your ass down here."

We arrive around 12:30 a.m. to find my mom's car with three squad cars, the fourth having taken off earlier with Charlie. I can't tell you how weird it is to pick up your MOM after a DUI. Seriously, it was warped. The details wouldn't be clear for awhile, but what happened was they were tracked all night at Seacrets by a hick the police department pays to follow out-of-towners (who usually have more $), who called in their car information when they departed. Charlie, who is never drunk, had only a few drinks over a three hour timespan, and decided to drive because my mom...well, she was fairly intoxicated. They were immediately pulled over, and the young female officer felt it necessary to call for three back-up cars, as my stepdad is pretty intimidating at 5'6" (that was sarcasm). To say that Charlie is a nice guy would be an understatement; it'd be like calling Bill Gates "kinda wealthy." But these were Maryland cops, and if you haven't been fortunate enough to ever come in contact with any, this might help give you a clearer picture:

Formula for a Maryland cop

He was teased and prodded to the point that he spat some words that he shouldn't have, and was subsequently locked up. Did I mention that he was charged with a DUI and assaulting three officers? Lesson is: If you are ever pulled over for a DUI, don't take the "Count backwards from 100" tests-DEMAND that you be driven back to the station for a breathalyzer test, or else you will be intimidated to the point that you say something you later regret, and be charged with assault. It's how they get their jollies. Charlie's trial is in a few weeks, and it ain't looking good.

To wrap this up, I will use bullet points to highlight reasons I think someone is defecating on my life:

• My shift was moved and my pay was reduced 15%
• Our family business has taken some bad hits, and I've basically lost that as a part-time job
• Kelly lost her job
• Our rent was raised
• Kelly's car broke down
• Our cat now walks like Michael J. Fox
• I had this rash on my balls. It's gone now, but I was pretty scared for a few days there

And what about "Jake & Kate," you ask? Well, let's just say that if you work with people who aren't being paid, they're about as motivated as people who aren't being paid (That wasn't aimed at you Sean, the music is awesome). This will be the last project I do with unpaid friends.

In conclusion, please dude, give my voodoo doll a rest.

Your pal,

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:03 PM | Comment on the message board

SUNDAY, JULY 8, 2007

Parallel Adventures

Last night I saw a pretty interesting show on parallel universes. Basically, modern physicists believe that an infinite number of "parallel" universes exist in another dimension, meaning that right now, an alternate version of you is reading this blog-the only difference is you're wearing disco pants and living in Cuba.

This inspired me to write a short story (with pictures!) about what it would be like if I traveled to a parallel universe...

	(At my computer) There, I've finally done it! I've viewed every possible shred of pornography on the internet, even that disturbing yet alluring dinosaur bondage site. And all this cost me was my savings, friends, and family. Small price to pay, I say! I wonder if I should put this on my resume?
	Mr. Hagerman, this is The Internet-Congratulations, you have unlocked the portal to Dimension B, a universe parallel to your own!
	Wow, another universe! I'm willing to bet they have freaky porn I've never even dreamed of. Let's go!
	Welcome to Universe B, friend! My name is Jason Haggerman. I would've thought a version of me dropping in from another universe would be startling, but it takes a lot to shock me after I just finished downloading every shred of pornography in the galaxy.
	It's kind of a zen moment, isn't it?
	Yes, yes it is. So as you can no doubt tell, I am exceedingly rich. My short film, Bliss, was a critical and financial success, a watershed moment in indie filmmaking. Did yours fare as well?
	(long, uncomfortable pause, the only sounds being the clock ticking and Justin's stomach rumbling) ...uh, oh yeah, yeah...big hit, bit hit...
	I also just made a sh*tload in the stock market. Our economy is flourishing under the leadership of our genius president. Was your 2000 election as close as ours?
	Yeah, but it sounds like Gore won out here. So this is how things would've turned out, huh? I knew it!
	Gore, are you mad?? That incompetent hick couldn't lead his way out of a paper bag. No sir, President Dr. Bush is our leader!
	Come again?
	President Dr. Bush, defender of the poor and patron of the arts! President Dr. Bush, born in a log cabin, which he disassembled and rebuilt at age four to make it more energy efficient. President Dr. Bush, whose thesis paper "The United States & the Relation Between its Foreign Religious Policies & Radical Islam" led to a peace accord with the Middle East. A nice chap named Saddam Hussein owns a Starbucks down the street, if you're thirsty.
	This universe kicks ass! I bet you still have to deal with pissy old people and loud babies though.
	Actually, the elderly are sent to an island so as to not disrupt the flow of traffic, or vote irresponsibly in Presidential elections. On the island they are melted down into a pollution free fuel. But yes, babies can be annoying. Every time they cry, Led Zeppelin IV is heard playing from their mouths. You have no idea how sick I am of Misty Mountain Hop!
	This just keeps getting better and better! I think I'll like it here. I can only imagine how hot the women are.
	Wo-men? I am not familiar with this species-the only humans here are men, and we reproduce asexually.
	You mean there are no chicks here? That's insane!! So what was that porn you were downloading?
	That's personal! You're not asexophobic, are you?
	No, oh no, no...so yeah, I think I'm gonna skedaddle. Have fun with that asexual thing, I hope that works out for you. (Justin transports back to his own universe, disheartened after being so close to finding the perfect life)
	Who was that, love?
	Just another parallel version of myself, Never-Married-Or-Pregnant Britney Spears.
	You scared him away with that asexual schtick, didn't you? If you weren't so f**king hot, that childish behavior would get on my nerves. That being said, Ms. Portman and Ms. Jolie are waiting in the master bedroom, so let's get going! THE END?

I think that's the most plausible scenario, don't you?

Some quick things-Live Earth was pretty swell, wasn't it? I think the best performances were from the Smashing Pumpkins, Genesis and Foo Fighters (those link to videos), but my favorite was when Spinal Tap invited every band's bass player out to play the hook from Big Bottom.

FYI, I found those videos today at work, because our system was down for two hours. I technically got paid to surf YouTube:)

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 09:45 PM | Comment on the message board

SUNDAY, AUGUST 26, 2007

Final Thoughts

Sorry for the lag in posting. I'm sure all of my fans are dying to hear how everything went, so here goes...

Series of events for August 15th, 2007

I woke up at 7 a.m. excited and insanely nervous for my segment on the NBC 10! show (click that link for more info), a Philadelphia version of "The Today Show." They had called the day before to inform me that in addition to the interview, I would be doing 2 minutes of stand-up. I asked if I could do the same jokes that I had won the WMGK contest with, and I was told that would be fine. I had recorded an episode of the show a week before, and a comedian had done a joke about a "Hardcore porn virus" which has ravaged his parents' computer, so I thought my material would be appropriate.

I show up on time and ready for action, and before the show starts they record a 1 minute "teaser" of me doing my stand-up to lead into the commercial break before my segment. I do the electric chair bit, and the crew seems to like it. (The crew, by the way, was really cool & cordial). In the green room I spent some time talking to another guest that day, Darren McGrady, who was Princess Diana's personal chef. He was surprisingly down-to-earth and gave me a signed copy of his book.

You can't really see the stage from the green room, so I didn't get a good look at the audience until the show actually started at 10 a.m., at which point I noticed that there was a sh*tload of kids in the crowd. WTF? No one told me the audience would be composed of 99% children!! Evidently they were tied into a segment which would happen later in the show, and I got to wondering, 'Why the hell would they plan a stand-up segment when they knew the audience would be all kids?' My palms started to sweat and I became even more nervous, as I'm only minutes away from performing.

I tell myself to calm down. After all, they approved my material and didn't question it any further. I figured my jokes would go over their heads, and the few parents in the crowd would chuckle. Whatever, I've bombed before. The PA brings me out, they come back from commercial and I run out like a pro and this is what I'm greeted by:

What followed is pretty obvious. I have it on tape, but I haven't summoned up the balls to watch it yet. I do a joke about my degree being worthless, and follow it with my Ultrasound and Electric Chair bits. No one seemed offended, and the kids laughed because I seemed silly. Even their parents laughed, though there was a palpable constipated feeling in the air. Someone later asked me, "Why would you do jokes about death and sperm if you knew there would be kids there?" Well, remember, I didn't f**king know!! This disaster was followed by an awkward interview segment, which consisted of the hosts trying to cover their asses by making it seem as if I knew there would be kids out there. I threw it back at them, though, by pleading my genuine ignorance of this, and stressing that I was a beginning amateur.

I really didn't know how bad things were until the cameras went off. The smiles immediately disappeared from the hosts' faces, and they wouldn't even look at me. I began to walk back towards the green room when a crazed woman started frantically calling me out into the hallway. I knew it was about to hit the fan because the crew wouldn't even look at me-They knew I was about to get pounded.

The woman shook my hand, introduced herself as the Executive Producer, and said, "You really just f**ked us bad." The next few minutes I was kind of in shock, like after a car accident, and as she was escorting me out of the building she was yelling about how sponsors would back out, "This was the worst f**king sh*t that had ever f**king happened to them," etc. Basically, telling me that I had destroyed NBC 10. Perhaps all of television!

Well, the whole thing is funny now. It wasn't that day, though, and she almost f**ked me over that night at Helium because I was an anxious wreck the rest of the day. I kept picturing all of these children spending the next few years in intense therapy, right next to the children of people killed on 9/11, and those kids would be thinking, "Jesus, we really don't have it bad at all; these kids are really messed up!"

But I got my sh*t together (kind of), and after some booze I did a pretty awesome set in front of friends, family, and a large crowd of strangers. The show was actually quite packed. You can download the audio of that set by downloading this link (Right-click, hit "Save As").

The WMGK girl presenting me with my trophy before the show. (I seem to be thinking about vulgar things that she, the trophy & I could do together after the show)

Another pic of me & the unique yet awesome trophy. Admittedly, I look a little gay in this picture.

Photos all taken by Mr. Mike Miller

That night my friends and I hit the mean streets of Philly to party, and we settled on The Continental on the corner of 2nd and Market Street. That place is pretty swank, I must say. We drank on the roof, and the whole thing was very James Bond-ish.

Waiting for the valet to fetch our cars after The Continental.

The next morning I woke up to do some stand-up on the John DeBella show. I was hung over and running on 2 hours sleep, but I did pretty awesome. Even my banter was top-notch. They found the whole NBC 10 thing funny, which is cool, as I was worried that I'd doomed the radio station as well.

This whole thing has been fun/weird/scary/cool, and I want to thank everyone who came out to see me. I'd also like to thank the 10! show, because they have inadvertently given me street cred among the Philly comedy community.

On an unrelated, PLEEEASE vote or comment on my entry for the Heinz ad contest. You may view it on YouTube here.

Ok I'm sick of talking about me, I'm gonna go drink some vodka.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:17 PM | Comment on the message board

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2007

Will the real Justin Hagerman please stand up?

Yesterday I Googled my name to see if I had been put on a sex offender list yet for the 10! Show incident (see August blogs), when I noticed something peculiar: Not only was this site not the first link to come up, but the first Justin Hagerman that came up wasn’t me. Now, Justin Hagerman isn’t a real common name-in fact, it’s a pretty shitty name. Most people pronounce it HOGerman, not HEYgerman. (“Hogerman” sounds like the name of an employee of the month at Auschwitz or something).

Anyways, I checked out the impostor Justin’s page, assuming this badass was a famous physicist or something to surpass me on Google, but no, he’s f**king 11-years-old. 11. My site isn’t seen until #3 (#2 is some ass who posted on Dave Barry’s page or something).

Welcome To Justin's Webpage!

You can imagine how royally pissed I was when I read that page description. I mean even for an 11-year-old, he sounds like a retard. His site is a paragraph long and it gets more hits than mine. Do you know how many hours I’ve put into my page? The only graphics he has are a lame thumbnail pic of a football player and one of those gay mailbox logos signifying an e-mail link, you know, the one’s that were popular on sites made in 1995.

I later noticed the copyright date at the bottom of the page, and it’s 7 years old, meaning he’s 18 now. (I was wondering why Limp Bizkit was one of his favorite bands). Though this actually makes me feel worse, because it means a kid's web site created 7 years ago gets more hits than my site. Granted, most of those hits probably come from pedophiles, but still, I could use those pedophile visits.

My name did surface again, on the 7th result, and it’s a link to the message board. Unfortunately it links to a thread I’m not too fond of:

The Comedy Page-Home of Justin Hagerman and Dead Dog View ...

Thanks Greg, for starting that thread. You’re awesome.

Well enough of that. Here are some quick things I'm too lazy to write a lot about:

• Starting this Tuesday, I'll be going to open mics at Helium on a regular basis again. Also, I'll be taking monthly treks up to NYC to check out their open mics. (If I'm going to sign-up and wait for 2 hours only to find that I didn't make the cut, I may as well be doing it in New York City)
• 30 Rock is the funniest shown I've seen in years. You should check it out. The writing is...awesome. And Tina Fey is...awesome and hot. (I recommend watching it at work). You can watch it online here. Bionic Woman ain't too shabby, either.
• I didn't get tickets to the Led Zeppelin concert, and I'm really bummed. I mean, most of the people who got tickets are probably scalpers or dudes who saw them when they were my age. How about giving the rest of us a shot, huh?????????
• If you haven't seen it yet, check out SNL's Digital Short "Iran So Far" here. Andy Samberg has my dream job...
• I was bored and drunk the other day, so I took a new headshot of myself, and it's here. I don't know if I like it or not...I think I do, but I don't usually trust my own opinion. Thoughts?
• I'm working on touching up the picture and sound on Jake & Kate, and when that's done, I'll send the DVD's out, because I know you've all been waiting eagerly by your mailboxes.
• What the hell is this? Singing toothbrushes? I saw an ad for the KISS toothbrush at work. What parents want Gene Simmons telling their children to "Put him in their mouths?"
• I went up with Sean to a bar in Philly on Girard last night to see some bands, and when we left I was amazed to see that there are genuine working trolleys in the city. Trolleys!! WTF? I'm sure this is well known to people in the area, but I was pretty stoked. I mean, this thing looked old...

A f**king trolley!!

That's all for now. If anyone has any Led Zep tickets hanging around that they don't want, I'd be more than happy to take them off your hands...

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 07:55 PM | Comment on the message board

THURSDAY, MARCH 20, 2008

Rage Against The Plant

An open letter to Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant

Dear Mr. Plant:

Congratulations on your recent Led Zeppelin reunion show in London. Good show, old boy! Sorry I wasn't there, though it was not for lack of trying, as I made it known that I would've done the most ardous of sexual favors to have acquired a ticket.

Being only 26, I was not yet alive while Led Zeppelin were touring, and since that mail order time machine hasn't arrived yet, I doubt I'll ever get to see one of those shows. So you can understand my excitement when I heard reliable rumors that you were planning a world tour after the London concert. I think it's safe to say that it would be the most anticipated tour of our time, short of someone digging up Lennon and Harrison for a marionette performance with the surviving Beatles. (Speaking of that, Kelly has been watching American Idol contestants cover Beatles songs, and I just went "Hey, want to see my impersonation of John Lennon right now?" I then got on the ground, laid on my back, and rolled over. I thought it was pretty funny.)

Anyway, when I heard that you, Mr. Plant, were no longer interested in a reunion tour because you were committed to your current tour with Alison Krauss (whoever the flippin f**k that is), my heart sank, and my balls retracted into my abdomen. WHAT THE HELL, MAN? Who gave you the right to decide if you'd be involved in a Led Zeppelin tour or not? What was that London show for, "Charity?" Bull. You're a musical cocktease, man. If I run into you on the street, I'm going to beat your ass, right after I shake your hand, get an autograph, and get a cell phone picture to document the event, all while I'm secretly stealing a lock of your hair to eBay. Watch your back, Plant.

Love,

Justin

Sorry about that. I'm actually not as pissed as I could've been, because I'm still stoked about the Foo Fighters concert I just saw. It was pretty awesome, but it was a shame they had to perform in the Spectrum. It was kind of like getting it on with this really hot chick, but in a porta potty. Kind of dampers the elation. Below is a picture of me at the show.

I'll also be seeing the Police in July, hopefully Stone Temple Pilots in May, and quite maybe REM in June. I'm a regular roadie.

What else have I been up to...Oh, I moved. Across the parking lot. I thought it would be easy since it wasn't that far, but even with a moderate sized U-Haul and lots of help, it still sucked ass. Thanks to Greg, Hank & Angela for their help. I know you guys had a blast, because helping friends move is always fun! Greg was all smiles. I'm saving a lot of money by moving into a studio apartment, though it'll be a little cramped until Kelly finishes her class. Like, four Sumo wrestlers in a VW bug cramped.

Quick notes:

• Mike is almost done with a high-res version of "Jake & Kate," and after I remaster the sound, it'll be ready for DVD. I don't even want to guess as to how long this has taken us.
• My swell job has given me carpal tunnel syndrome. If you're not familiar with it, imagine how your wrist would feel after downing 3 bottles of Viagra and locking yourself in a room with a Scarlett Johansson/Natalie Portman sex tape for the weekend.
• I'm going to start alternating weeks at Helium, because gas is getting way too freakin expensive, and I haven't been put on since January. However, in the weeks between I will be at the Wednesday open mics at the NE Philly Comedy Cabaret. Go here for awesome details.
• We had to put our dog Mickey to sleep a little while ago because he had Leukemia. (Man, if they haven't cured dog Leukemia by now, humans with it are pretty f**ked, huh?) Smithers (below) is now the sole survivor of the dozen or so animals we had only a few years ago, which is funny, because she was the oldest. We found volumes of books about poisoining animals by her bed. Coincidence?

Smithers, the star of my infamous college parties

• Cool links: 1) Find a sex offender near you here. (Thanks to Paul for this). 2) Vote for Michael Jackson for Congress here (I saw his ad at work. Don't you think he would've changed his name by now?)
• I've been dicking around on YouTube alot, and I came across a "live" performance one of my favorite bands, New Order, did in the early 90's. What's funny is that they did it on the set of Baywatch as a joke, but they played it straight. Note Hasselhoff trying to pick up chicks during a solo.

Since my new pad has cement walls, I'm going to go blast Full Metal Jacket on surround sound really, really loud =) Night.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:39 PM | Comment on the message board

THURSDAY, MAY 22, 2008

I Got Laid!...Off

Yes dear readers, your good friend Justin has become a victim of globalization. I was laid off a few weeks ago, which is a shame, because I had a job in the media industry with great pay and cool co-workers. This of course is happening during a recession, which is a wonderful time for one to lose their job. I'm pretty upset about the whole thing. This is how I reacted when I was told I'd be losing my job:

So I'm hitting the job trail again, and by hitting, I mean clicking on my keyboard. Gone are the days of job fairs, which now only consist of three types of job opportunities: Military, Sales, and Bilingual Telemarketers. Most jobs opportunities are found online now, but unfortunately Monster.com & Careerbuilder are plagued by BS jobs. Attention job posters: A sales job is not a job. A job pays you money, which is of primary importance among applicants. Also, adding "bling" to your job posting doesn't fool anybody. This is a big red flag:

*****ATTENTION!!! WORK AT HOME!! SIT ON THE CAN WHILE MAKING $$$$!!!!*****

Note the excessive asterisk usage, as well as the misspelling of "Your." Also, redundant dollar signs are never a good sign. This would be a more honest description of the position:

Hi there! Like unpredictable paychecks & scamming elderly folk? Try a sales job!

So yeah, unemployment sucks. At first it seems like a good thing, an indefinite vacation sponsored by the state. But after a few weeks of spending all day in your pajamas watching "The Price is Right" and "What's Happening?", the crushing boredom and solitude begin to take a toll on your sanity. Following is a video of me in the pool the other day:

It's pretty clear by the end of the clip that I need a job, and fast. The only good thing about being unemployed is you suddenly find yourself with a lot more free time on your hands. I really want to start growing this site, and that includes doing a weekly cartoon, "The Life of a Rock," as well as adding more poems and other bits. If you get bored, take the new poll I posted.

Well, Wilson and I are off to look for some jobs. FYI, if you're not doing anything Monday, June 23rd, I'll be doing a set at Gotham Comedy Club in New York City. E-mail me for details.

Oh I almost forgot-on Tuesday night Kelly, Sean and I walked up to town to see a movie Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston were filming. It was pretty cool, because they had these huge-ass lights on cranes, and the whole street was covered in fake snow. Read the article here. We were fairly close to them, and I was tempted to shout a wrist-cutting joke to Owen, but I would've been mauled by the adoring fans around me. The movie is called "Marley & Me," and it looks really lame. It's geared toward people who paste "I Am My Dog's Co-Pilot" bumper stickers on their cars. Oh yeah, that's a real sticker. I saw it the other day and just found it here.

Some girl took some videos of the whole thing, which you can see below. I gotta say, she posted that pretty quickly.

My apologies for the really annoying song she put on there.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 04:25 PM | Visit the message board

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008

Blingo

When I first started writing these things two years ago (wow), I was really hesitant to use the term “Blog,” as that’s always been synonymous with coffee-shop-laptop-opinions hacked out by 80’s yuppie spawn. I eventually sucked it up and embraced the term, though I still cry a little bit on the inside each time I use it.

So I've been viewing lots of people's blogs to get ideas to improve my site, and that's when I lost it. No sooner did I start asking around for advice then I was blasted for using incorrect terminology. First off, I wasn’t looking at blogs, I was “surfing the blogosphere.” WTF? (the only good internet slang). Blogosphere? That sounds like a giant bubble where astronauts decontaminate themselves in space.

I was then advised to check out the “Microblogs” posted on “Twitter.” Microblogs? Aren’t those tiny objects that cause a bladder infection? And what asshole coined the phrase “Twitter?” Twitter, to me, sounds like the name a San Francisco couple gives their pet ferret. Maybe they’re distant relatives of yours, and you happened to be in the Bay Area visiting, so you dropped by. You’re having a great time, enjoying some of their offbeat culture, when their pet ferret jumps on your lap. You’re like, “Cute ferret. What’s his name?” You assume it’s Furro, or James Bond, or some shit, but you’re uncomfortably surprised when you’re told it’s Twitter.
You bite your tongue and remain calm, trying to be good company, knowing you’ll be stewing over this retarded name for weeks to come.

“Actually,” the person says, “It’s Twitter II. The original Twitter was killed by our last relative who visited.”

You lose all control. The only thing worse than a shitty pet name is a shitty pet name appendage such as Jr. or III.

Outraged over this travesty of a name for a travesty of a pet (Ferrets aren’t pets, they’re pests.), you grab poor Twitter and launch him in front of a San Francisco streetcar, content you’ve done the right thing by putting this animal out of its misery. The police give you a reward and arrest your relatives for animal cruelty.

Twitter, a real dick.

Other lame internet terms:
Emoticon: This sounds like a robot I could have sex with.
Hotspot: A rash on your balls?
Blurker: When you fart in a hot tub?
Flaming: (Insert cheap gay joke here)

The correct phrase for all of this internet terminology is “Netlingo.” But you know what? Sounds like people just coin these phrases to make the internet seem more hip and exclusive. They serve no real purpose other than to make “bloggers” feel like they’re on the cusp of a technological revolution. But they’re not, they’re just self-important assholes. Edit: I am also a self-important asshole.

So I propose a new phrase for these overhyped words: Blingo.

Side note: Doing research for this I stumbled upon a list of internet acronyms “Every parent should know” here. I don’t have kids that I know of, but it was pretty interesting nonetheless. I’m really out of the loop. I feel like some old grandpa. “In my day, we just had A/S/L!” Check out what #21 on that list is. I think that’s hilarious, and I’m going to start incorporating it into all of my text messages.

NIFOC,

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 05:25 PM | Visit the message board

THURSDAY, JUNE 05, 2008

Important Announcement

It seems like you can’t turn on the TV nowadays without being overwhelmed by political news, tickers, blogs, polls, statistics, commentators, Wolf Blitzer, pundits, Wolf Blitzer, predictions, or Wolf Blitzer. I used to be really into this stuff, too. Man, I could tell you who you were voting for before you even knew who you were voting for. Well, chalk it up to my current situation, but I just don’t give a sh*t anymore. Maybe I’m just in my jaded mid-20’s, who knows. Frankly, I’m not sure we should trust anyone who wants to be President right now. What a clusterf**k they have to deal with! They’ll feel like a pledge cleaning up a frat house the morning after a huge blowout party. Despite my disdain for the current political climate, however, I’d like to take this opportunity to formally announce my candidacy for the 2036 Presidential election.

“Hold on,” you’re probably thinking, “you’re not qualified to be President, you silly-billy!” Well guess what, a-hole, I am. (That right there was called self-censorship, which is key on the campaign trail. By abbreviating a**hole, I avoided offending any voters).

I know it seems like a long way off, but 2036 is right around the corner. While other candidates may procrastinate running for President until 2035, I’m a man of action, not words. Well, unless words are needed to describe my actions.

Following is a quick overview of my 2036 Presidential platform:

• Give everyone a million dollars
• Repeal the hovercraft tax bill of 2028
• Build a global fence to keep out illegal extraterrestrial aliens
• Legalize gay clone marriage
• Deport all elderly people to a car-less island
• Create a new cabinet post, “Secretary of Awesome,” and appoint Led Zeppelin
• Neuter people who still wear their hats backwards

Click below to hear my official campaign song.

I chose this song because I will always “Hold the line,” no matter how rough things get. Also, because Toto kicks ass. I haven’t bothered to see if the lyrics match up with my platform, but who gives a sh*t.

Vice President-Seth Green (it’d be an easy transition for people)

Secretary of Defense-Bruce Lee

Secretary of the Interior-Martha Stewart (Get it?)

Secretary of Agriculture-Broccoli

Department of Transportation-The Flash

Secretary of the Treasury-Mr. T

This campaign is in its early stages, but check back for “Hags 2036” t-shirts, buttons, and thongs. I’m currently accepting donations, so by all means, send me your life savings. If you don’t, it means you’re not a patriot and you hate America. Your choice, comrade…

Sidenotes: I have a geek boner after seeing the new X-Files movie trailer. It might be my all-time favorite show. Also, if you're in the West Chester area this weekend, drop me a line. I need to hit the town again. I mean, look at all these bars. Also, I found this video really funny. I know that's sick, but something about it makes me chuckle.

I'm going to hell...

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 08:15 PM | Visit the message board

TUESDAY, JUNE 10, 2008

Man Up, Baby!

Yesterday I received something a little odd in the mail. Somehow I got put on a list to receive some samples of Enfamil, along with coupons for similar products to help me “Raise my new bundle of joy.” I’ve been thinking really, really hard why anyone would think that I was pregnant, but I keep coming up short. I mean, wouldn't a package addressed to “Mr. Justin Hagerman” raise a red flag in their mailing department? I suppose one of my neighbors could’ve signed me up; I have been eating too many cheeseburger hotdogs lately, and my unemployment status could be mistaken for maternity leave. So I’ll keep the bloody Enfamil. Hey, with today’s high food prices, it’s beginning to look pretty appetizing.

Speaking of babies, today I saw an internet ad for a baby cradle, a Zen baby cradle. This was funny because I recently helped my mom clean out her attic, and we threw away my 1982 wood n’ nails cradle. Seriously, I’m amazed I didn’t maim myself on this thing. I don’t know what sort of sick bastards were running the baby industry back then, but one thing was certain-they hated babies.

Zen cradle (Starbucks Menu Mobile sold separately)

My cradle. Oh, the memories!

But you know what? That cradle taught me survival instincts, man. There’s a reason American kids today are fat, dumb, and helpless. Moms are wimping down their kids from day one with Zen baby cribs and other new age yuppie baby bullshit. While you were playing soothing prenatal music for your fetus, Indian and Chinese women were rocking their wombs with “Crime and Punishment” on tape. American parents need to stop babying their babies. This Fisher-Price Zen collection thing should be the first thing to go. Just check out their website (watch the video). Those babies need to be blasted with Metallica, not wind chimes.

I propose a new rite of passage for babies. At eight months old, set your baby loose in the wilderness. Supply them with nothing but dehydrated meals, a compass, and a whip, and see how they fare. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll wind up standing a chance against their Asian counterparts.

Good luck Billy!

Oh, while searching for pictures I stumbled across an ENTIRE web site dedicated to this couple’s baby. Why do people think their children are special? They aren’t, unless they can fly. Otherwise, please don’t bother the rest of us with your boring child. Check back with us in 30 years, and we’ll judge for ourselves just how special that kid turned out to be.

The worst part about that site? It’s updated more than mine.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:50 PM | Visit the message board

TUESDAY, JULY 1, 2008

Perchance to Dream

I read today that Bill Gates has retired. Reporters seem to be focusing on all that Mr. Gates has contributed to computing/modern technology, and while that’s very interesting, no one seems to be discussing what history’s richest man will be doing in retirement.

Bill seems to have limitless possibilities on how to enjoy his downtime, but since he’s been so busy he probably hasn’t given it much thought. To help him brainstorm some ideas, I’ve scratched out an itinerary of what I would do on my first day of retirement as the world’s richest man:

Noon: R2-D2 alarm clock (complete with Kenny Baker) wakes you up with a cheerful Paul McCartney tune, written personally for you. R2 informs you that your stocks made another $100 million overnight, all without you lifting a finger. You’re outraged by this-You’re supposed to be retired, and that means no working, even if it was done for you by someone else while you were sleeping. You inform Kenny that his services are no longer needed.

Morning exercise: Bike ride with Lance Armstrong. It’s one of those two-seater bikes, except you're not doing any peddling. Mr. Armstong doesn’t mind, because you’ve promised that a new cloned testicle awaits him at the finish line. This is a lie.

2 pm-Dallas cheerleading squad sponge bath

3 pm-Lunch prepared by Emeril. It’s just some EZ Mac, but you wanted it heated-up by Emeril. You pretend to care as he laments about missing his daughter’s wedding.

4 pm-Your assistant informs you that he’s begun acquiring items on your list of “Things It Would Be Fun To Put Up On eBay.” The Shroud of Turin is already fetching a pretty nice lump of dough, with Ted Turner as the current high bidder.

7 pm-Conference call with Korean scientists. Your Lassie clone is coming along nicely. Unfortunately, Timmy #7 isn’t fairing so well.  The arm growing out of its mouth couldn’t be removed, so it was euthanized. They’re optimistic about Timmy #8, however.  You tell them they better be, because what the hell use is a Lassie clone without Timmy? What are they, crazy?

8 pm-Downtime with some video games. You play the classic “Super Mario Brothers” game. Not the Nintendo version, mind you; you’ve hired Broadway actors to dress as plumbers, and you control them using a special remote. You fully realize what an awesome idea this was as they begin to jump on dwarves dressed as mushrooms.

9 pm-Update: Timmy #8 went berserk and ransacked the lab, killing nine scientists and maiming countless others. Arghh! You just can’t find good help these days.

10 pm-Bedtime. Morgan Freeman reads you a bedtime story written for you by a chimp implanted with Shakespeare’s brain. The stories have been pretty good so far, but you’re growing tired of plots being resolved by the throwing of fecal matter.

I hope you’ve found this useful, Mr. Gates. If you require further assistance, you may commission me as a “Billionaire Retirement Spending Time Specialist.” E-mail me for resume.

JH

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:44 PM | Visit the message board