Justin Hagerman: Comedian, Writer, Lover

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FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 01, 2006

Wheeee!

I just saw Sahara, and boy, did it suck! Kelly wanted to see that as opposed to Terminator. Just more proof as to why women shouldn't be allowed to make decisions.

I'm a little tipsy so I'm not feeling too witty, but here is a link that should make you laugh. This again proves my point about women. And no, I'm not worried about offending any women with this, because we all know women can't operate computers! Or read. Men rule!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash the dishes or else Kelly will yell at me.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 11:36 PM | Comment on the message board

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 07, 2006

Goodbye, Mate

I must say that I was quite upset by Steve Irwin's death. He was a really passionate guy who was totally immersed in his work, a concept which is foreign to a lazy fellow like myself. He also died in what in my opinion was the awesomenest death ever-a stingray barb through the heart. In a way that's more badass than being devoured by a crocodile. Any geriatric golfer in Florida could get mauled by a croc while they're busy adjusting their Depends, but a stingray barb through the heart? It'll be 5,000 years before anyone else can lay claim to that.

At work yesterday I saw a commercial for these. This might possibly be the nerdiest toy ever. Is George Lucas that desperate for money? I mean, he must be pretty broke to authorize this crap. Today I mailed some canned goods to his estate, and I would urge you to do the same. It is up to all of us to care for the less fortunate members of society.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 01:57 PM | Comment on the message board

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2006

Five Years

September 11 started as a really kick-ass day for me. I was 19 and a sophomore in college, still living in the dorms. My morning class had been cancelled because the teacher wasn't feeling well, so I got to sleep in 3 hours. I woke up around 10:30 AM and decided to finish watching The Empire Strikes Back for the 80th time. The sound was amazing on our ghetto surround sound system consisting of three small speakers and two speakers from a 20 year-old record player my roommate's parents had lent us. I watched the scene where Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher were trying to clean those weird creatures off of the Millennium Falcon (Unbeknownst to them, that was the least of their problems because they were actually inside the mouth of a giant space monster!).

Next, I decided to take a shower (this was around 11 AM). I thoroughly enjoyed my shower because I was the only one in the bathroom. This had never happened before-usually there was some guy beating off in the stall next to me or a guy from down the hall banging his girlfriend in the stall at the end. It was nice to bathe in peace and quiet and I was so overjoyed that I practically skipped back to my room, still wearing a towel and holding my gay shower basket.

That's when I ran into a guy walking the opposite direction. I had never met him before, but he looked up at me, shook his head and said, "Man, can't believe it..." I figured he was a freshman who had just failed his first big test, so I thought I'd try to bring his spirits up. I smiled and said "Hey, what're you going to do? Shit happens!" I'll never forget the look he gave me-it was a blend of shock and disgust, and I think he really wanted to kick my ass. I let this obviously ungrateful guy be and went back to my room. As I started to get dressed I turned on the news, and then said aloud, "Oh, f**k me."

If that story didn't cheer you up, I found this old commercial that will help remind you of the old carefree days of flying.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 01:59 PM | Comment on the message board