Justin Hagerman: Comedian, Writer, Lover

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THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2007

Bitter, Yet Drunkenly Content

Next Tuesday I will turn 26 years old. This is quite a shock, because all of my life I've been so excited to reach the peak age of 25 that I never thought about what might come after that. When I was 15 and not getting laid, I used to fantasize in class about what life at 25 might be like. I'd assumed that I'd just waltz into stardom, as the masses would be clamoring for someone of my comedic genius. I'd be rich beyond all of my wildest dreams, and girls not blessed with the presence of my member would be launching themselves off bridges in despair. Oh, and I'd be living on my private island in Fiji (see below).

Catching dinner for me and my 5 island wives

These were the humble dreams of a modest man, but they have not come to pass. I won that radio contest, sure, but I still can't even get a spot on open mic, let alone pay my bills. I think Kelly is even considering the garbage man with down syndrome as a more suitable companion.

I know, whine, whine, whine. I'm feeling better though, because what's the best thing to do when your dreams haven't come true? Think up more unrealistic dreams!! So when I heard that Led Zeppelin were reuniting for a one-off gig in London, my pants fluffed up. My favorite band, long since dissolved, were getting back together, and all I had to do was compete with 30 million people for 1 of 20,000 tickets, raise the money for air fare to London, find a place to crash, and save enough money to get back home. Piece of cake! I already entered their lottery, and if I win, a ticket is only $250. I've even checked up on hotels and crap on Expedia-See? I've estimated the entire thing would cost around $1,900, which is only 136 hours of overtime. (Speaking of work, Mike actually got a job there too. He's training right now, and I ran into him in the bathroom. He seems to be liking it so far.)

Two crazy muthaf**kers soon to be working together. (This was actually taken 4 years ago. We're far less crazy now.)

I feel much better now with my new dream. I don't even feel bad about only being slightly taller than I was when I was 15, because I found a site with famous celebrities 5'7" and under. I'm now going to go enjoy my Xbox 360 HD DVD player, something I bought with my prize money. Hopefully someday I can afford more than one HD DVD.

Oh, check out the Foo Fighter's new album when it comes out in two weeks. I, uh, "obtained" a copy of it today, and it kicks ass. It's produced by the shape guy who did "The Colour & The Shape", so it doesn't suck like the last album. The video for "The Pretender" is kinda swell too. It also got me thinking about the old Nirvana Heart-Shaped Box video, which was even sweller.

Bye for now. See you in London.

Posted by Justin Hagerman at 10:17 PM | Comment on the message board